


In My Arms (You Changed My World)

by whispered_story



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 02:40:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11026902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispered_story/pseuds/whispered_story
Summary: Lukas knows he's into guys, but he has no intention of ever doing anything about it. Then he meets Philip in his freshman literature class and what starts out as a friendship quickly changes Lukas's entire life. (AU wherein Philip never moved to Tivoli and the boys meet in college)





	In My Arms (You Changed My World)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dancing_Adrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift/gifts).



> beta'd by [dancing_adrift](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dancing_Adrift/pseuds/Dancing_Adrift) ♥
> 
> With gorgeous art by [Ilana Kashi](https://twitter.com/Ilanakashi3). Check out her twitter and leave her some love!

There are about 110 miles between Tivoli and New York.

To Lukas, it feels like there might as well be entire worlds between the two places. Coming to New York is like coming into a different universe.

He's been to the city before. School trips and running errands with his dad and even a few trips with friends — enough times that the city shouldn't feel so foreign to him. But it does. Foreign and strange and exciting. A bit scary, too.

In Tivoli, everything is familiar. Lukas used to find comfort in that, but it started to feel smothering eventually. More and more so over the last couple of years. He started to feel this itch to get away and it built and built, getting stronger with each passing day until Lukas started to feel like the confines of Tivoli were slowly killing him. Until he started counting down the days, dreaming of the day he would get out of the little small town that felt less like a home and more like a prison some days.

And now here he is. Staring at the tall building that houses his dormitory, on the brink of a new chapter of his life. 

Taking in a deep breath, Lukas smiles and it feels like something in his chest loosens, years of tension starting to fade from his body.

He feels free, a feeling he's only ever experienced riding his bike.

*

"Wanna grab dinner with me?"

Lukas looks up from where he's putting away the last of his clothes and finds Aaron, his new roommate, looking at him expectantly.

The 'sure' is on the tip of his tongue when Aaron adds, "Let's go and check out the girls. A whole campus full of college girls, man! I bet we can meet some cute ones — you said you ride a dirt bike, didn't you? Girls are probably all over you, right?"

He waggles his eyebrows, in what Lukas guesses is supposed to be suggestive or maybe teasing, but it falls flat with him.

He feels something twist deep in the pit of his stomach, the overwhelming feeling of unease rushing over him. Does he want to go out and hit on girls with his roommate? No, absolutely not. He should want to, he knows he should, but just the thought makes his skin crawl.

He tries very hard not to think about why that is. He already knows the answer, deep down, anyway and that? That makes him feel even worse. 

"Uh, no. I think I just wanna stay in tonight," he lies, turning back to the neat stack of shirts he's created in one of the little shelves in the closet. _Closet_ — funny, really, except Lukas doesn't want to even think about stuff like that. About closets and girls and guys and everything that makes him feel so utterly wrong and sick and most of all sad.

"Dude, come on. You saying you don't want to find a girl to hook up with? What, you got a girlfriend or something?" Aaron needles and Lukas wants to punch him in the face. And that's not fair, probably, because Aaron is presumably a nice guy. Lukas has only known him for a couple of hours, not long enough to form any sort of opinion, but he just wants him to _shut up_.

And he wishes he had a girlfriend. He wishes Rose and he still were a thing, as much as he _hated_ it, just to get Aaron off his back now.

Lukas keeps staring at his shirts and takes in a deep breath, trying to get the beating of his heart back under control. "Bad break-up, man," he mumbles, because it's the first thing that comes to his mind. 

"Seriously?" 

"Yeah," Lukas says and glances at his roommate, trying to gauge his reaction. "I'm just... not ready for that kinda stuff."

"Man, that girl must have done a number on you," Aaron says with a snort, and Lukas just shrugs awkwardly.

In all honesty, he'd felt mostly relieved when Rose dumped him at the beginning of summer. A little panicked, too, because she'd made him feel safe, made him feel normal. But things between them hadn't been good in a while and eventually neither of them had been able to keep denying it. Rose had started getting impatient, pushing for things Lukas wasn't ready to give, would _never_ be ready to give, and it had made Lukas withdraw more and more, worrying about how long he could drag this out, make her wait. Things between them had turned tense quickly.

And Lukas had tried. He'd tried so hard to make it work with her, to be the guy she wanted, she deserved. But if he's honest with himself, he never felt more than friendship towards Rose. Kissing her, making-out with her had been okay, had been something he'd been able to do, but then she'd started wanting more and Lukas couldn't. He just _couldn't_. 

He can't really blame Rose for eventually breaking up with him. It had been the right thing to do for her, and for him, and it lifted a weight off his shoulders after months and months of him and Rose struggling and fighting. 

But it's left him here: in this weird place where people expect him to date girls, to _want_ girls, and Lukas just can't. He tried with Rose, but he doesn't have the energy to go through that again. To try again.

For now, Rose is still his safety net. But eventually Lukas won't be able to blame heartbreak, won't be able to claim he needs to get over Rose still, and he isn't sure what to do then. 

"Yeah," Lukas finally says, voice tight. "Yeah, she really did a number on me."

Because Rose was perfect and not even that was enough. And implications of why Lukas _couldn't_ want her scare him more than he cares to admit. Because he can't be the guy Rose wanted, but he can't be that other guy, the guy that the small voice in his head sometimes whispers he wants to be, either.

*

New York isn't like Tivoli.

Lukas always knew that. But now, knowing he's living here and not going back to his small town and the weight of all the expectations there, makes the difference so much more stark.

His first morning in New York, Lukas gets up early and just wanders around, checking out the area. Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of students around. What does surprise Lukas though is how different they are to the people his age that he's used to. 

They're all so... different. Different in a way you couldn't afford to be in Tivoli. It's why Lukas spent his entire life trying so very hard to fit in, to be like everyone else. Here, it seems people are trying to do just the opposite.

In Tivoli, Lukas never saw girls or guys with hair dyed every color of the rainbow, or with an array of all kinds of piercings. People in Tivoli would probably shake their head at some of the clothes Lukas sees people wear as he walks around, or the bold statements he reads on a few shirts.

And then he sees them. Two guys strolling down the path a few feet ahead of him, holding hands. Lukas's steps falter for a second and he averts his eyes, but he can't help stealing a few more glances. As if to make sure he's really seeing it, that his mind isn't just playing tricks on him. 

But it's not. They're there. Two guys, both with sandy blond hair, one a bit shorter than the other, their fingers intertwined, hands swinging lazily between their bodies as they walk side by side. It looks casual. Like it's not a big deal, when it is. To Lukas, it's a _huge_ deal.

He wishes he could bring himself to think the sight is gross. That he could bring himself to have all those thoughts he knows people back home would have, but all he feels is a startling, miserable ache in his chest that makes it harder for him to breathe.

He wishes, more than anything, he wouldn't look at those two guys and want the same thing.

*

Two days later classes finally start. Lukas feels like he's spending most of his time looking: for the right buildings, the right rooms, for people to sit next to that look friendly.

And then, on the second day, Lukas sees him for the first time. He's in Lukas's Victorian Literature class, sitting pretty far in the back.

Lukas is looking around, trying to find a spot where he can sit without anyone next to him because it's too fucking early for him to even think about interacting with anyone else, and his gaze only passes over him for a second. And then strays back to him a few times, because Lukas can't help himself.

The guy is... beautiful. Lukas hates thinking it, but that's the only word that comes to his mind.

He's tapping a pen against a notebook, eyes downcast, a strand of slightly curled dark hair falling into his face. And that face. Lukas wishes he could move closer, could really _look_. It makes him want to run from the room, but he's rooted to the spot. Transfixed. 

It's not just the way this guy looks, though. There's something about him — in the way he holds himself, the way he's not looking at anyone. Like maybe he doesn't want people to look back either. Lukas thinks there's a sadness about him, something that makes his heart ache and makes him want to reach out, to soothe. And that's probably stupid, because there's no way he's getting all of this from one look at the guy. It's too much. But god, does he feel it, and he's never felt this drawn to anyone before in his life.

There wasn't ever really anyone in Tivoli who really caught his attention. It's been a blessing more than a curse and Lukas made sure to never even entertain the idea of checking another guy out.

But he can't look away from this one. 

It's only when someone bumps into him, startling Lukas, that he breaks out of his reverie.

He glances around nervously, but nobody is paying attention to him. Nobody saw. Feeling his face flushing, Lukas ducks his head down and finds an empty spot a few rows down. 

He doesn't dare turn around until class is over, and when he finally does, the guy is gone. 

Lukas tells himself he's glad.

*

He's in Lukas's history class as well.

It's like Lukas can't escape the guy. 

And okay, that's a complete exaggeration. Lukas knows it is. There are probably quite a few people he has more than one class with. But Lukas doesn't notice them, doesn't think about them even after class and at night when he's trying to fall asleep and he doesn't walk around campus trying to spot their faces while really hoping he won't at the same time. 

It's like he's obsessed. Addicted. One look at that face and it's burned into Lukas's mind, refusing to leave him alone.  
He hates himself for the thoughts he's having. The need to look at this guy.

Years of refusing to give into these feelings, these thoughts, of forcing himself to be normal, and all it takes is one guy for all of Lukas's resolves to crumble.

And yet he can't stop. Can't stop sneaking glances at the guy in class. Can't stop looking for him on campus. Can't stop picturing running into him, talking to him, finding out his name and what he looks like up close.

*

"It's gonna be a sick party."

Lukas just hums in reply, walking up the short driveway to the house next to Aaron. He can already hear the music, the thump of the bass vibrating heavily in the air.

It's his first college party. Aaron has begged him to go out with him and his friends for two weeks now, but so far Lukas has refused. He's never really liked parties much before, only went because everyone did and he felt like he had to.

Tonight is different though. Tonight Lukas agreed to come along, not because Aaron asked, but because he's desperate for a distraction. Something to make him get out of his head, to think about anything but _him_.

Inside, it's crowded and loud. 

Lukas grabs a drink from the kitchen, and he doesn't mind when he loses Aaron in the crowd after a few moments. There's something about the guy that makes Lukas feel tense, reminds him of the guys back home and what it felt like to hang out with them. The pressure to be a certain way, to be a certain person.

Taking a first sip of the cold beer, Lukas lets his eyes travel around as he starts pushing past people into the general direction of where he guesses the living-room is, music and laughter and chatter getting louder as he goes.

It's like the parties back home, only louder and bigger. More alcohol, too, probably because some of the people here are actually old enough to buy it.

Eventually he recognizes a few people from his Intro to Philosophy class and joins in their small talk, but when the conversation turns to one of the theories they discussed that week, Lukas gets bored and drifts away again.

He's not sure what he's looking for that night. To get so drunk he forgets? Or maybe stops caring? To make-out with some girl just to prove a damn point?

All he knows it that the itch is back. The one he always felt in Tivoli. Like his skin feels too tight, too small for him, his mind humming with tension. 

Sighing, Lukas goes to grab another beer and then steps outside onto the porch. He needs _something_ , and he almost wishes he'd just gotten on his bike instead, riding off into the darkness until all those thoughts in his head went away.

And that's when he sees him. The guy from his class. 

Of fucking course, because Lukas can't catch a break even for one night.

Frozen to the spot, he stares at the guy. He's leaning against the porch railing in the far left corner, red solo cup in hand and staring at his feet. A house full of people, and the guy is all alone. 

It does something to Lukas, because he knows what that's like. He's felt that way most of his life, even when surrounded by his friends.

The guy lifts his cup to his mouth, tipping it back and as he does so he looks up. At Lukas. Their eyes meet, and when he guy lowers his hand again he gives Lukas a small smile. Sweet. He looks so damn sweet.

Lukas's stomach does freaking somersaults and he wants to turn around, wants to run, but instead he finds himself moving towards the guy.

"Hi," he says awkwardly, unsure what to do once he's right in front of him. The guy is even more good-looking up close. Lukas had wished he wouldn't be, that he'd get close to him one day and lose interest, but there's no chance in hell of that happening now. He's all big, brown eyes and long lashes and a mouth that Lukas _knows_ he's going to spend hours fantasizing about from now on. 

"Hey," the guy replies, and even his voice gets to Lukas.

He feels his cheeks heat up, embarrassment and excitement mingling inside of him. "You... you're in one of my classes, right?"

One. Not two, because the guy doesn't need to know that Lukas noticed. 

"Yeah," the guy says and nods, the soft smile turning a little wider. "I'm Philip."

 _Philip_. Lukas wondered about his name, tried out different ones in his head but none of them felt right. And now that he knows, it feels like he's been given a precious piece of information.

"Philip," he repeats, quietly, and then clears his throat a little. "I'm Lukas."

And then, like the idiot he is, he sticks his hand out. Philip laughs, but he takes Lukas's hand in his and shakes it, and Lukas feels something in his chest burst.

*

"And then he said half of us would probably flunk out before the year is over," Lukas says, taking the last gulp from his cup. "Can you believe that? I mean, hey, he's probably right, but that's not very motivating, you know? Like, at least let us think we can do this and graduate and make something of ourselves for a few weeks, right?"

Philip snorts and nods, looking up at Lukas with a grin. He's smaller than Lukas, like most people are, and Lukas never cared about his height, but he likes it now. That Philip looks up at him, with those eyes. Those damn beautiful eyes.

"He sounds like a dick," Philip says, and Lukas nods. He leans his hip against the porch railing, one hand braced on it.

"He is," he agrees. "Total dick. But I'm gonna ace that fucking class just to spite him."

"You should," Philip says. "And man, I need to remember that name so I make sure I never take a class with him."

"I can write it down for you," Lukas offers. And that's stupid. Like Philip can't remember or write the name down himself or save it in his phone because it's the twenty-fucking-first century.

He waits for Philip to make fun of him, or at least tease him, but Philip just gives him another one of those smiles. Those smiles that look at sweet and private, like they're just for Lukas, and he's only known the guy for a couple of hours but Lukas is already addicted.

"Thanks, Lukas," Philip says, and Lukas nods stupidly.

He shifts and catches sight of Aaron from the corner of his eye. He's standing a few feet away, looking at them, and Lukas gives him a small nod.

Aaron looks miffed, but he nods back, and then turns around and vanishes inside the house again. Huh, Lukas thinks, weird. But he doesn't pursue the thought, too distracted by Philip being right there with him.

He holds up his cup. "You want another drink?" he asks, hopeful. If he gets them another drink, Philip will have to stay with him for at least a little longer. Not that he's made any move to leave — they've been standing outside together, talking, for a while now. A couple hours, at least. It's been... easy. 

Lukas isn't used to that. He's never been good at talking and he gets a bit awkward around people he doesn't know well. Sometimes around those he does know well, too. But he likes talking to Philip, and he doesn't feel like he has to force it with him. 

"Sure, another drink sounds great," Philip says.

"Sweet," Lukas says and takes Philip's empty cup. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks, Lukas," Philip says and smiles. Lukas is pretty sure the guy is going to be the death of him.

*

Lukas dreams about Philip that night.

Dreams about pressing Philip up against the porch railing and kissing that sweet smile off his face, their bodies rubbing together deliciously, slow hitches up their hips turning into grinding and it's so good and perfect.

When he wakes up, it takes him a moment to remember where he is. And then another to realize he's alone. Philip isn't there with him. The disappointment of it makes his chest ache and he's hard and confused.

"Fucking stop it," he mutters to himself, angrily.

He pushes the covers aside, even though it's still way too early to be getting up on a Saturday, and goes to take a shower. He makes it as cold as he can stand it, curling his hands into fists so he won't touch himself until his erection has gone down.

*

On Tuesday, Lukas makes sure to get to his Victorian Lit class early. He's not sure how to act around Philip, has been racking his brain about it all weekend, and he figures if he gets there first it's up to Philip to decide how to act. Whether to just nod or actually come say hi.

Lukas isn't stupid. One night of chatting at a party and having a few drinks doesn't make them friends — but he's pretty sure his heart is going to break if Philip ignores him.

He's thinking about that, about what he'll do if Philip won't even pay any attention to him, when someone clears his throat next to him.

It's Philip, smiling down at him, one hand curled around the strap of his bag. "This seat taken?" he asks, nodding at the spot next to Lukas.

"No. No, it's... no," Lukas stutters out. "It's empty."

Philip grins and sits down next to him. "Awesome."

"Yeah," Lukas says, his mouth feeling a little dry suddenly.

*

They have lunch together in the dining hall after class. They exchange numbers before they part and it's barely an hour after they part before they start texting each other back and forth. Philip sits next to him in their history class, too.

Before he knows it, Lukas sees Philip almost every day. Over lunch or dinner, sometimes breakfast when Lukas can force himself out of bed early enough to go grab some. They have coffee between classes sometimes, make plans for their weekends. Philip lives in the same dormitory, just a couple of floors beneath Lukas, and he starts spending more time in Philip's room than his own.

It's not what Lukas expected. He thought Philip was hot and wanted to get closer to him as much as he wanted to run and hide from him, but he never pictured them becoming friends. 

And it's not like any other friendship Lukas has had. He feels comfortable around Philip. And more than anything, that makes him realize how he really didn't feel that way around his friends back home in Tivoli. He was always trying to be someone he wasn't for them, to be cool and tough. He never let himself talk freely about his thoughts and feelings — hell, he barely allowed himself to have any feelings.

It's different with Philip. Philip is the kind of person that makes him want to open up a little more, share things with him, and listen to what Philip has to say. Two weeks after first talking, Lukas finds himself in Philip's room, sitting on the bed with him, talking about his mother. Lukas hasn't talked about her in years, not even with Rose. 

"We never really talk about her at home," he admits quietly. "I barely remember her."

"Lukas," Philip says and with anyone else, Lukas would hate being pitied. With Philip it makes him feel good, cared for.

He pulls his knees up to his chest and rests his forearms on top, hands loosely clasped as he stares at the wall at the other side of the room.

"She smelled like flowers," he murmurs. "I mean, she probably didn't. I don't know. But whenever I'm outside and smell, like, wild flowers and stuff, it makes me think of her. And I don't even know if that's maybe just something I made up in my head, you know?"

"Doesn't matter, as long as the flowers remind you of her," Philip says.

Lukas tilts his head to the side, looking at Philip. "You think so?"

"Yeah," Philip says. 

Lukas nods and sighs. "Tell me about your mom," he asks softly. "What's she like?"

Philip is silent for a moment. Too long.

Lukas looks at him more closely. "Philip?"

"She's... not like you picture moms to be, I bet."

"What does that mean?"

Philip meets his eyes and he looks sad. Lukas feels it down to his bone, tugging at his heart. "She's fun and quirky and she always tries to see the good in people," Philip says and then, even more quietly adds, "She's a drug addict."

"Oh," Lukas says.

Philip grimaces, but doesn't say anything else.

"I'm sorry," Lukas tries. 

"It's okay. I... I don't remember her ever having been any different, you know?" Philip says and then huffs. "Guess that's kinda sad."

"Yeah. But it sounds like she's a good person. She loves you, I bet."

"She does," Philip agrees. "We made a deal, you know? I'd go to college, make something of myself, and she'd go to rehab. She... she checked herself in, like, a week ago."

"That's awesome, dude," Lukas says.

Philip rolls his lower lip between his teeth, biting down on it and Lukas's eyes track the movement. "It's not the first time, you know? I got taken away a couple of times and stuff, so she's tried to get clean before. It never stuck, though," Philip says, shrugging. "But she's really trying this time. I mean, she always says that. But maybe this time, you know?"

"Yeah, maybe," Lukas says, and for Philip's sake, he really hopes it'll happen.

*

"What do you want?" Lukas asks, glancing from the board to Philip. He sees him look through his wallet with a small frown, then up at the board.

The line in front of them moves further forward.

"Just a plain coffee," Philip mutters.

"Oh no, come on," Lukas says and nudges Philip with his elbow. "That's boring. Pick something fun."

"Lukas," Philip mutters.

"It's on me," Lukas says, hoping it sounds casual. "Pick something or I will."

" _Lukas_ ," Philip repeats, sounding exasperated. Lukas grins, knowing he's won.

"Maybe something with sprinkles. You seem like a guy who can use more sprinkles in his life."

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I don't know, grumpy," Lukas teases and pulls out his wallet.

"You're an idiot," Philip says. "Fine, I'll have a mocha."

"With sprinkles," Lukas adds and steps up to the counter, placing their order before Philip can answer. He adds a lemon and poppy seed muffin for Philip and a chocolate one for himself, pulling out a few bills to pay.

He tries not to make a big deal out of it, but he's been trying to pay for stuff when they hang out without it becoming too obvious. He knows Philip is on a scholarship, but that only covers the bare necessities. He doesn't have a lot of spending money and no parents to help him out financially either.

The least Lukas can do is pay for food every now and then when he drags Philip out. 

"Thanks, Lukas," Philip murmurs when they get their drinks. Pleased, Lukas nods and leans into Philip's side a little as they leave the coffee shop. He hands Philip his muffin before taking a big bite out of his own.

"Maybe you can do something for me in return," he says, voice muffled by the food. He swallows thickly and licks his lips, trying to make sure he doesn't have crumbs everywhere and look like an idiot.

"Like what?" Philip asks, a little warily.

"Come riding with me this weekend," Lukas says. 

Philip looks up at him, surprise written all over his face. "What?" he asks. "Really?"

Lukas nods. "It's awesome. I promise you'll like it," he says. "We can drive out of the city. Maybe we can find a place where I can show you some jumps. And maybe I can teach you to ride a little, too. It's not that hard."

"You... Lukas, that bike is like the goddamn love of your life," Philip points out. "You talk about it _all the time_."

"So?"

"You want me to ride it?" Philip asks. "What if I crash and like, scratch the paint or whatever?"

"You think I've never done that? All the time, dude," Lukas says and takes another bite of his muffin, smaller this time so he can continue talking. "And I'm not going to let you do any crazy jumps. Just ride a little."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay," Philip agrees, and Lukas beams. He can picture it perfectly, Philip on the bike behind him, arms wrapped around him as they speed down an empty highway.

*

Lukas sees Rose around campus sometimes. It's just awkward greetings at first, small talk about classes and college life, but then after a few weeks Rose asks him if he wants to go have coffee with her and it's nice. Like it used to be, before they started dating.

Lukas likes the idea of going back to being friends. If he's honest, he's missed Rose these past couple of months. He didn't care about her as his girlfriend as much as he should have, but he always cared for her as a friend. And she's more of one than most of the guys from back home ever were — Rose was never afraid to be honest with him, to call him out on his bullshit. Which is probably why she put her foot down and broke things off with him, too.

He's glad it hasn't completely ruined things between them. And so, when they say goodbye at the end of their first coffee-date, Lukas asks her if she wants to hang out again later that week. 

"That'd be really nice," Rose says, smiling. She looks pleased, genuine, and Lukas pulls her into a quick hug.

"Awesome," he says.

They pull apart and Rose's smile turns gentler, a little sad. 

"I missed you, Lukas," she says. "Not... like that. Just as a friend."

"Me, too. I missed you, too," Lukas replies and it feels good to say that. To bridge what got broken between them and move past it.

"Okay. Maybe we can do something this weekend," Rose suggests. "Not Friday, though. I've got a date on Friday."

She says it with a wink and Lukas laughs.

"Well, good luck. I've got plans with Philip on Friday anyway," he says, and Rose cocks her head. She hums in reply.

"It's a good look on you, Lukas."

"What?"

"Being happy," Rose replies and pats his arm.

*

"I have this youtube channel," Lukas says, strolling into Philip's room when Philip opens the door for him.

"Umm, okay. Cool," Philip says. 

Lukas sits down on Philip's bed with a loud sigh, stretching his legs out in front of him. "Yeah, really cool," he says. "But, uh, I haven't been doing as much with it as I used to. Because of college and stuff. So I need someone to come film me doing some jumps."

"Me?"

"Yeah," Lukas says and nods, giving Philip a hopeful look. "People will start unsubscribing if I don't do something. And you're good with cameras, right?"

In all honesty, Lukas hasn't thought much about his channel lately. College has been keeping him pretty busy. He used to upload videos pretty regularly, especially over the past summer after he and Rose broke up and Lukas found himself with a lot more time on his hands again. 

"I guess, yeah," Philip agrees. "Now?"

"No time like the present, right?" Lukas asks.

Philip frowns. "Yeah. But I can't."

"Oh. You got plans?" Lukas asks.

Philip goes to lean against his desk and shrugs. "Kinda, yeah," he says. "I... my mom is allowed to have visitors now."

"Oh. Sweet," Lukas says and smiles encouragingly at Philip, his plans for them all but forgotten. He was really more interested in coming up with a reason to drag Philip out with him, go ride with him again. But he knows how much Philip has been missing his mom. How tough it is to be away from her, to not be there for her through all of this.

Philip is trying not to let it show, to be strong, but there's something in the way he talks about her, the sad look he sometimes gets on his face that tells Lukas all he needs to know. 

"Maybe we can hang out later?" he suggests instead, getting up. He doesn't want to keep Philip, not when he obviously has more important places to be.

Philip pulls his mouth down a little, in something that's not quite a frown but definitely not happy either. "I'm gonna be gone for a while," he says. "I gotta take the train and then a bus to get there. Gonna take me a while to get there and then get back home."

"Dude, no way," Lukas says, shaking his head, thinking about Philip being stuck on a bus all day to get to see his mom. And especially going back home — seeing her probably won't be easy and the last thing Lukas wants is for Philip to be stuck on public transport for hours afterwards.

"I'll drive you."

"Lukas, no," Philip says, shaking his head. A strand of hair comes loose, curling into his eyes and Lukas wants to reach out, brush it away. To touch. To take care of Philip.

"Dude," he says. "This is not up for discussion. We're taking my bike."

"What are you gonna do, just wait outside for me while I go visit my mom?"

"I've got my bike. I can find ways to pass the time," Lukas points out and puts his hand on Philip's shoulder, pushing him a little. "Come on. We'll get the helmets from my room. I haven't been riding my bike often enough anyway, it'll gather dust."

"Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely," Lukas says without hesitation.

*

There isn't much to do while Lukas waits for Philip. He drives around a little, and then spends a good fifteen minutes parked outside, waiting for Philip to come out of the rehab center.

Lukas isn't sure what he was expecting, but the big, friendly looking building wasn't it and it feels weird to him, how nice this is. How harmless the place looks. When inside there are people like Philip's mom, who have hit rock-bottom and are trying to get their lives back together. He's not sure what he expected the place to look like, though, never thought about stuff like this.

Hanging out with Philip, seeing this part of his life, makes Lukas realize how sheltered he'd grown up. How far from his mind things like these have been, because things like that don't exist in a small town like his. Or if they do, they're kept under wraps, apparently. And sure, there were those murders in his dad's cabin the previous year and that was some freaky shit, but it wasn't anyone from Tivoli. It didn't affect them. Those were outsiders, and though it freaked Lukas out a little, it didn't really make him think about what life was like for people who were dealing with drugs and violence and crime. But he sees it when he looks at Philip now, the way his mom's habits have affected his life, too, how tough things are for him, how different he is from everyone else their age who seems so careless.

Lukas was right the first time he saw Philip and he has no clue how that happened, how he took one look at Philip and saw _him_. The sadness, the way he keeps himself sheltered from everyone. Except Lukas. 

Lukas is pretty sure he's his only friend at college. But then again, Philip is pretty much his only friend, other than Rose, too. And that's okay. He doesn't need anyone else and he's trying to be everything Philip needs, too.

When Philip finally emerges from the wide double doors, Lukas's chest aches for him. Philip has his arms crossed over his chest, like he's protecting himself, making him look smaller, more frail, and when he steps up close to Lukas, Lukas can see how red his eyes are.

"Are you okay?" he asks gently.

Philip bites down on his lip and casts his eyes down.

And Lukas can't stop himself. He pushes himself off his bike and wraps his arms around Philip, tugging him in close against him. "Come here," he murmurs.

He feels Philip sigh and sink into it, his own arms coming around Lukas's waist. He buries his face in Lukas's shoulder and Lukas cups the back of his neck without thinking about it, fingers sliding into soft, dark hair.

It feels nice. And he feels bad for thinking that, for taking pleasure from this. He doesn't want to. He just wants to comfort Philip, to make him feel better, but he can't help that he likes having Philip in his arms. He can't help that it makes him want things he shouldn't.

Philip deserves better. He deserves a friend who is there for him without lusting after him. Who doesn't have thoughts like this about him. Who doesn't _want_ him.

But Lukas is what Philip has got, so Lukas does his best not to let Philip notice. He just holds him, keeps his breathing calm, and waits for Philip to pull away eventually.

"Do you think," Philip starts when he does. "Do you think we could go somewhere?"

"Sure. Where do you want to go?" Lukas asks, wanting nothing more than to drag Philip back in. To hold him, touch him.

Philip gives him a small smile. "I'll show you."

*

"This is your home?" Lukas asks, tucking his helmet under his arm and following Philip to the front door.

The place is run-down, and that's putting it lightly. There's a couch outside that looks kind of dubious and a withered plant by the door that looks really sad. Lukas doesn't say anything about those things, though, because this is Philip's home and who is he to talk badly about it?

Lukas might have grown up on a big farm with all the nice things money can buy, but he hasn't exactly had a happy home-life. He felt miserable there so many times, hated having to go back home on some days and was eager to leave again the next morning. 

"I know it's not great," Philip says, looking a bit sheepish as he unlocks the front door. 

Lukas shrugs and follows him inside. "It's fine," he says, and really means it.

It smells musty inside, the air stale and the place is pretty cluttered.

"It needs a good airing," Philip mutters and then tugs at Lukas's shirt. "Come on."

He leads Lukas into what Lukas knows right away is his bedroom. It's not a typical room of a teenage boy. It's pretty sparse: just a desk, a bed with a dresser and a small closet, and a couple of boards on the wall that work as shelves. And there are very few things, other than photos. Philip has them pinned to the walls in a few places: shots of the city, mostly, and Lukas walks up to the desk and studies the pictures pinned on the wall behind it carefully.

"Did you take these?"

"Yeah."

"All of them?" Lukas asks, looking back at Philip who is watching him carefully.

Philip nods.

"These are so fucking cool," Lukas says.

"You think so?"

"Yeah, dude. They're really great," Lukas replies, and he really means it. He doesn't know much about photography, but the photos are beautiful and even he can tell they're good. Artsy, but not pretentious. He wonders if these things and places — store fronts and buildings and little details, from street art to signs — are random things Philip stumbled upon or if they mean something to him, if they all have some sort of relevance to his life. There's so much Lukas doesn't know about Philip, but he wants to. 

"Thanks," Philip says, looking pleased. Proud even. Like he doesn't hear how good he is all the damn time and that's just wrong.

He sits down on his bed and Lukas goes to join him. "You know," he says. "I really will have to make you come take videos and pictures of me now."

Philip gives a little laugh, nodding his head. "We can do that. I owe you one anyway," he says and then adds, "And I'd like to."

"Sweet," Lukas says and draws his legs up onto the bed, sitting opposite Philip. He looks around the room again then back at Philip. "So, this is where you grew up, huh?"

"Yeah. Most of the time," Philip says. "I had to stay with foster families a few times."

"Oh. Really?"

Philip shrugs. "Just for a little bit. It got pretty bad a few times, but my mom always got better and I got to go back," he says. "Only happened twice anyway."

"That still sounds like it sucked."

Philip draws in a sharp breath. "Yeah. Yeah, it did," he agrees. "Worse though when I got back and was hoping things would be different but they never were. Not for more than a couple of weeks or so."

"I'm sorry, Philip."

"She's not a bad mother, you know," Philip says in a small voice. "She's really not."

"I know."

"You never met her, dude."

"No," Lukas agrees and shrugs. "But I've heard you talk about her. And I know you. She couldn't have been a bad mother considering how you turned out."

"Shut up," Philip mumbles, lowering his head. Lukas grins.

"I mean it, man," he says and nudges Philip's knee with his hand. "You're pretty awesome."

"You, too," Philip replies. "And thank you for saying those things. They... mean a lot to me. Most people get pretty judgmental about my mom."

"She loves you, right?" Lukas says, thinking about his own dad and how freaking complicated things are between them. How Lukas has never been quite sure if his father does love him or just sees him as a reminder of what he lost. "I think that's worth a whole lot. That's the only thing that matters."

Philip smiles at him, real and wide, and Lukas feels like he's on top of the world just for making him feel a little better, a little happier.

*

"Come on," Aaron pleads, pulling on a shirt over his head.

Lukas glances at him, but then looks back at the book he's reading for his lit class, not interested in seeing Aaron change clothes. And _that_ he's more than grateful for, because it'd be awkward as hell. He pictures living with Philip for a moment and he's pretty sure he'd be going out of his mind.

"You haven't been partying with me except for that one time," Aaron continues. "We could go on your bike. Dude, the entrance we'd make driving up to the party on that thing? It'd be insane."

Lukas doesn't point out that the last, and only, time they went to a party they didn't even talk for the entire night and that hardly counts are partying together. Nor does he tell Aaron that he has no intention to let him ride on his bike with him, especially not to get attention.

"I can't," Lukas says. "Philip is coming over."

"You know about him, right?" 

Lukas looks up at that, his stomach dropping, thinking about all the things Philip has confided him in. All the things about his mother and childhood that Aaron could be alluding to, and Lukas doesn't want him to know a single thing about any of that, because that's Philip's personal business.

"Know what?" he asks.

"That he's a fag," Aaron says.

Lukas freezes. It's not true. Of course it's not true. But the word, the disgust underlying it, makes his stomach twist. 

Something must show on his face, because Aaron laughs. "Oh, come on. You didn't know?"

Lukas gets up off his bed, book in hand. "Fuck off," he mutters and brushes past Aaron on his way out of the room, suddenly just needing to get the hell out of there.

"What?"

"I said, fuck off," Lukas repeats, louder. "And stop talking about Philip, okay?"

"Dude, chill," Aaron calls after him, but Lukas is already out their door, slamming it shut. 

His chest feels too tight, his breathing heavy. 

He's not sure why he's angry. He's heard the word before, more than once. He's used it before. But the thought of someone calling Philip that makes him angry, because it's not true. Philip isn't like that. Like _him_. Philip is good, is freaking _perfect_.

He goes into the common room and waits, pretending to read, until he knows it's long past the time where Aaron would have left for the party, but not yet close enough to when Philip said he would be coming over. Only then does Lukas go back to his room.

*

"You're really quiet today," Rose notes a few days later.

They're in Washington Square Park, sweating cups of iced mocha lattes in their hands, sprawled out in the shade under a tree.

"Am I?" 

Rose hums. "More so than usual," she says.

"Maybe," Lukas agrees and takes a sip of his drink. He added some syrup to make it extra sweet, the sugary taste thick on his tongue. "I've been thinking about... well, a lot of stuff."

"Like what?"

Lukas sighs and sets his drink down. Legs crossed, he leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees. He rips out a few blades of grass and twirls them around his fingers. "What would you say if... maybe..." He stops and takes a deep breath. "If I'm into guys."

"Oh."

"Theoretically," Lukas quickly adds, though he's come to realize if there's anyone he can trust, other than Philip, it's probably Rose. 

He's met a few of her college friends over the last few weeks, too, and none of them are what he expected. One has bright purple hair and piercings, and another mentioned a girlfriend a few times. Lukas thought she was talking about a friend at first, because girls do that, right? They call other girls they're friends with their girlfriend and so it didn't strike him as weird and nobody else was batting an eyelash at it either. So Lukas just _assumed_. But he's pretty sure he saw Rose's friend hold hands with another girl in the hallway of the science building the other day and Lukas doesn't know if Rose knows, but he thinks maybe she does. Maybe she's friends with a girl who's a lesbian and simply doesn't care — he hopes that's true more than anything, anyway. Back in Tivoli, he couldn't have imagined Rose being friends with a girl that's into girls and being cool with it, but she's changed. She seems more carefree and down to earth these days. Like she stopped caring about all of the crap that used to matter, that she cared about back in high school. 

"I thought maybe you might be," Rose says after a moment.

Surprised, Lukas looks at her. "What?" he asks, feeling that stupid tight feeling in his chest again.

Rose shrugs. "Well, I didn't at first. Obviously. Or I wouldn't have dated you. But then... well, you started acting a little weird and you didn't want to have sex. Hell, sometimes I wasn't even sure you enjoyed kissing me," she admits.

"It wasn't horrible," Lukas mutters.

Rose looks at him, then laughs. "Oh my god, Lukas. See what I mean?"

"Fine, okay. I wasn't _really_ into that."

"So. Are you? Into guys?"

Lukas feels himself tense and looks back down at his hands, ripping the grass into tiny pieces. "Yeah," he says quietly.

"You know that's okay, right?" Rose asks gently, resting her hand on his arm. It's cold from her cup, damp, and Lukas shudders.

"Is it?" he asks quietly. "My dad wouldn't think so."

"Yeah, well. You can't live your life according to what your dad thinks is right," she says. "You'll end up on a farm, hosting turkey hunts."

Lukas doesn't say anything.

"You'll make yourself miserable, Lukas. You already have been for a while now, I think, and I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner," Rose says. "I don't want that for you."

"Me neither," Lukas murmurs, and he feels his eyes start to burn with tears he knows he won't let himself cry. Not in front of Rose.

*

The conversation with Rose made him feel better and worse. It was freeing, saying it for the first time, sharing this thing he's kept a secret for so long. But it also makes it real. It feels a bit like he's finally admitting defeat, finally acknowledging that he's failed at fighting this.

It upsets him more than he anticipated. So he does the one thing he always seems to do these days: he goes to Philip's room.

Ben, Philip's roommate, opens the door when Lukas knocks. The guy is hardly ever home, spending most of his time at his girlfriend's place, and Lukas has only met him a few times.

"Lukas, my man," he says though, as if they know each other, and slaps Lukas on the shoulder. "Good to see you. Gotta jet, though, got a girl to keep happy."

Then he cranes his head back. "Hey, Philip. Lukas is here," he calls out, and then brushes past Lukas. 

It feels so normal, casual, and Lukas feels a little bit better already as he steps into Philip's room.

"What are you doing here? Did I forget we had plans?" Philip asks. He's sitting on his bed, books and notes sprawled out around him, his hair a little disheveled.

Lukas swallows thickly.

"Come take a ride with me," he says, because that's all he wants. To get away, be on his bike and have Philip with him. His two favorite things in the world.

Philip looks at him, eyes searching, then nods and gets up. He just leaves everything where it is, stops what he has been doing, like Lukas is more important and Lukas fucking loves that guy.

They drive for a while, longer than they usually do, and end up somewhere halfway between New York and Tivoli. And Lukas thinks that's kind of ironic, because that's what he feels like, too: torn between the two places, the two lives. Between who he was all his life and thought he had to be, and who he, maybe, thinks he can be in New York. 

They stop on a dusty dirt road in the middle of nowhere. All there is a lot of open space and silence. 

"Where are we?" Philip asks.

Lukas drops to a spot on the ground. "No idea."

"No? So, not your favorite place to kill people and dispose of their bodies?" Philip teases.

"No," Lukas says. "Come sit down with me."

Philip sits down and Lukas leans back on his elbows, tipping his face back and staring up at the sky. There are fluffy white clouds there, moving slowly. Lazily, Lukas thinks, like even the clouds are tired.

"You ever watch the clouds?" he asks.

"No. Not really," Philip says.

Lukas sighs and lies down fully, continues to look up. "I used to do that a lot when I was a kid."

"Yeah?"

"Mmm. Sometimes my mom would join me. She was a good storyteller. She'd make up all kinds of stuff about the things we saw in the clouds."

Philip shifts and lies down with him, close enough that their arms are brushing together. "Tell me what you see," he says softly.

Lukas sighs. "I don't know. I haven't done this in a long time."

"Try," Philip encourages.

Lukas's eyes search the clouds, trying to find something, anything to point out. "That one, right there," he says after a few moments and points up. "Kinda looks like a lamb."

"Because it's fluffy and white," Philip deadpans.

Lukas laughs. "No," he says. "Look. Like a lamb's face, the shape and the little round ears. See?"

"I don't know. Maybe," Philip says and shifts closer, until their heads are right next to each other, both of them staring up. "But I think we can find something better."

Lukas nods, and thinks about how he already has. He's found the best damn thing on the planet, not up there in the sky, but down here, with him.

*

"Pretty much everyone else is going to go out and party tonight," Lukas says around a yawn, turning the page of his textbook. He's finished the chapter for his biology class he had to read already, but he's kept reading anyway.

It's a Friday evening and they've been sprawled out on Philip's bed together since that afternoon. They only took a break to grab some dinner before coming back here for more studying.

"I'd kinda like to not lose my scholarship," Philip points out and sighs. "You don't have to stick around."

Lukas looks at him and kicks his foot against Philip's leg. "Didn't say I wanted to be anywhere else," he says. 

"No?"

"No, dude," Lukas says, shaking his head. "This is great. I'm getting stuff done."

"Yeah," Philip says, giving him a small smile, and Lukas can tell he doesn't quite believe him. "You know, if you help me with this math stuff so I don't freaking fail this class before college has even _really_ started we can go do something else. Whatever you want."

"Ice cream?" Lukas asks hopefully.

"Sure," Philip nods. Lukas grins and closes his book, moving up on the bed until he's sitting next to Philip.

"Well, luckily, I'm a damn math genius," he boasts.

"You're an everything genius," Philip replies, not even teasing. Lukas bites down on his lip and shrugs, not used to that being a good thing. He never thought he was particularly smart, anyway, school just came easy to him. But that was never something his friends made him feel he should be proud of, so he downplayed it — he bitched and moaned about having to study for tests right along with them and didn't talk much about his grades. He didn't argue when they put his good grades down to the fact that his father had money or that he was a motocross champion, which was kind of a big deal in Tivoli.

"'m not," he says now, sheepishly. "You're the one with the scholarship."

"I had to work my ass off for that. And I bet you didn't even apply for a scholarship," Philip replies, and Lukas doesn't reply because it's true. His parents started a college fund when he was born and he'd known for as long as he can remember that he'd never have to worry about that. 

"Now come here and teach me, Waldenbeck," Philip prompts.

*

They wrap things up a couple of hours later, and Philip is in a pretty good mood when they leave his dorm room.

"You're better at explaining this than my prof, man," he says, and Lukas feels himself flush.

He didn't even do much. He just helped Philip solve some problems and stumbled his way through answers to the questions Philip had — he didn't feel like he was doing a particularly good job, because words don't exactly come easy to him, but Philip seemed satisfied with his explanations and it makes Lukas feel good, knowing he's helped him a little. Not that Philip needed much help — Lukas thinks maybe his professor is just really fucking bad at teaching and that's why Philip has been struggling a little. They just had to run through a few things and he was just fine.

Outside, the sun is just beginning to set, and they walk side by side. There are groups of students everywhere, starting their Friday night plans, and quite a few couples, too. Date night, Lukas realizes, and finds himself not really minding — with Philip by his side, going for ice cream, it almost feels like they're on a date, too. Like one of the many couples strolling around.

Lukas _knows_ they're not, and he's happy to be just Philip's friend, but it's still nice that it's just the two of them. They're an item, only without all the romantic stuff. But it's always the two of them, pretty much wherever they go these days. Lukas used to think how annoying it would be, to be that attached to someone — like those couples at school that never did anything without each other. He started feeling antsy when Rose wanted to hang out too much or tag along when Lukas was hanging out with his buddies. 

But he gets it now. 

Philip is that person for him. _His_ person. The one he turns to, talks to, the one who he seeks out when he's happy or sad or just bored. And other than the whole being into guys thing, Lukas can tell him anything — because he _wants_ to. And he's never wanted to before; never wanted to talk about his mother or his father, about his thoughts and feelings and fears.

He understands what it's like to want someone around 24/7 now, to want to share everything with them and have them be his entire world. And it feels so damn good to have that, feels like there was something missing from his life before and he never knew, but he's so much happier now that he has Philip.

They get to the ice cream parlor — a little place not too far from campus — and Lukas makes Philip get three big scoops of ice cream, paying for both of them.

"I should have paid," Philip says, taking his first lick as they walk back outside. " _You_ helped _me_ with studying."

"And now you get it, so we're celebrating. Means I have to pay. You can't pay for your own celebratory ice cream," Lukas argues.

"That's not even a thing."

"Yes, it is."

"Says who?" Philip asks, raising his eyebrows. 

"I do. And I'm a genius, remember?" Lukas says and grins, licking around his ice cream cone before anything can start to melt and drip.

"I regret saying that now. Can I take it back?"

"Never," Lukas says, shaking his head. He knocks his shoulder into Philip's. "Now, stop arguing with me and say, ‘thank you for the ice cream, Lukas.’"

"Thank you for the ice cream, Lukas," Philip echoes only slightly sarcastically.

"You're very welcome," Lukas replies, and then makes a spur of the moment decision to throw his arm around Philip's shoulder. He would have done it with friends back home, too, and he wants to — most of all, he doesn't want to _not_ do these things, touch Philip, because he's afraid of what it might look like. It's harmless and Philip is his friend and Lukas should be allowed to do this.

Philip just turns his head and tips his face up, smiling widely. There's a tiny bit of ice cream smeared in the corner of his lips and his hair is a mess and he looks happy. He doesn't look happy often, or not as often as he should anyway, and Lukas feels his heart squeeze, and he tugs Philip a little closer still.

They wander around aimlessly for a while, until their ice cream is gone and both of their hands are sticky. Only then do they start making their way back to Philip's dorm.

"We could watch a movie," Lukas suggests, not ready to call it a night just yet. It's too early.

"Do I get to pick?"

"No," Lukas says with a snort. "You'll pick something horrible. Something artsy in, like, French."

"I've never watched a movie in French before," Philip points out, wiping his hands on his jeans. 

"Ha, so you're not denying the artsy part?" Lukas replies, raising one eyebrow. Philip gives him a look, like Lukas is the dumbest thing he's ever seen and Lukas grins.

"You'd pick something with explosions and zero plot that makes sense," Philip replies. "Like that's any better."

"Dude, yes! That's awesome," Lukas tries to argue.

"Sure, you—" Philip stops, his gaze fixing on something ahead and then quickly dropping down.

Lukas looks in the direction Philip was just looking and finds a guy, standing in a group with some other people, looking at them. He looks familiar and Lukas wonders where he's met the guy before. "Who's that?"

"Nobody," Philip says and sighs. "Just some douchebag who's in one my classes."

Lukas frowns and when he takes another glance at the guy, it clicks. "I think he's friends with my roommate."

"Yeah," Philip says. "Your roommate is also a douchebag."

"Oh," Lukas says, genuinely surprised. He's known that, but he didn't know Philip knew, didn't know they even knew each other. The things Aaron said about Philip come back to him and he swallows thickly. "Because of... I mean, is it because... Is that why we never hang out in my room?"

"Yeah," Philip says. 

"Has he said something to you?" Lukas prods. "Because he's... he's said stuff."

"Yeah," Philip repeats. Calmly. Like he doesn't really care.

" _Oh_ ," Lukas repeats.

"It's not a big deal. I don't even really care. Some people are ignorant, but whatever," Philip says and shrugs. Lukas feels the movement, the way he makes the arm he still has around Philip move up and down.

Lukas's step falters, and it's like everything inside of him goes haywire. His heart is beating too fast, thoughts rushing through his head, and through all of this he feels kind of numb. Did Philip just come out to him? Or does he just not care that someone thinks he's into guys, judges him for it?

Or, maybe, he's talking about something altogether different. Maybe Aaron has said all kinds of bad things about Philip.

The thought makes Lukas angry, because there's nothing about Philip that's bad. And he shouldn't even have to deal with stupid assholes like Aaron and his friend. 

"Lukas? You okay?" Philip asks softly. 

"Yeah. Fine."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Lukas says. "Let's just go back to your room, okay?"

*

Lukas feels antsy and he can't stop thinking about it — about the fact that Philip might be into guys. It would change everything. Maybe not for Philip, not for them, but for Lukas.

He just assumed Philip wasn't like that. Like him. But if he is? Then what — will Lukas do anything about it? Better yet, will he be able to stop himself from doing something about it? Because he wants to so badly. And if there's even the smallest chance, despite the fact that it _terrifies_ Lukas more than he can put into words, he can't imagine not taking it. A few weeks ago, he would have. Would have run for the hills and never looked back. But he's already in too deep with Philip now and he can't go back.

"Does it bother you?" Philip asks.

Lukas looks at him, and only then realizes that he must have been staring into space, lost in thought. Philip is watching him with a slightly wary expression, arms crossed over his chest.

"What?"

"That I'm gay."

Gay. 

It's not a word Lukas ever uses. It's too real, a label that seems so definite. So damning. But Philip says it so casually, so carefree, and it makes Lukas feel terrified and envious and so, so damn hopeful.

"I just... had no idea," he admits hesitantly.

Philip gives him a disbelieving look and lets out a laugh. "Lukas. Are you kidding me?" he asks. "I thought everyone knew."

"Well, I didn't," Lukas replies with a helpless shrug.

"So — does it bother you?" Philip repeats, sounding worried. And Lukas can't have that, can't let Philip think Lukas doesn't think he's the greatest thing in the world, because it hurts. It hurts to think Philip doesn't realize how much he means to Lukas.

Philip's leaning against his desk and Lukas is only a few steps away, and thank god for cramped dorm rooms, because Lukas only has to take two big steps before he's right in front of Philip.

Without thinking, he cups Philip's face in his hand, thumb sliding over his cheek. He waits for a moment, for Philip to draw back or say something, but Philip just stares up with him with big eyes, lips slightly parted. And Lukas has to taste him, kiss him, find out what he feels like.

He closes the distance between them and brushes his lips against Philip's. Carefully at first, clumsy almost. Lukas has kissed people before, but never a guy, never someone that mattered, and he suddenly feels like he has no clue what he's doing, how to make this good.

Philip doesn't seem to care.

He makes a surprised noise but then he leans up into it, kisses Lukas back. 

Lukas can't believe this is happening. He can't believe he's kissing a guy. Is kissing _Philip_.

It's so different from kissing Rose. Philip's lips are soft like hers, but he tastes like ice cream rather than sticky lipgloss like Rose always did. Lukas doesn't have to lean down as much as he had to with Rose, can kiss Philip without it feeling uncomfortable. But most of all, it's different because Lukas _wants_ this and it's making his palms sweaty and his heart race. He didn't know it could feel like this, that _he_ could feel like this. 

The fear is still there, the worry, though, and Lukas feels like he's getting pulled into a million directions, torn between knowing he shouldn't want this and how amazing it makes him feel, how right.

It only lasts a few seconds, but it's enough for Lukas to feel like his whole world just turned upside down. He'd accepted that he won't ever be happy with a girl over the summer, and he's accepted that he doesn't want to force himself to be with a girl anyway since he came to New York, too, but he didn't think he'd ever be with a guy. Philip's the only one he ever truly wanted, but he'd assumed it wouldn't happen and it had given him a false sense of security. Made him believe that, despite how he felt about guys, he'd never act on it and somehow that would make it okay.

But now he has. He has kissed a guy and he can't deny how good it feels. He can't undo it and he finds himself not wanting to either. He wants to remember this, always, because it felt too damn good, too damn right. And he wants more. So, so much more.

Lukas rests his forehead against Philip's and exhales carefully, his chest feeling too tight, making it hard for him to breathe properly. He feels overwhelmed, scared and turned on and confused about what to do now.

"Philip," he says, because if anyone can make this better it's Philip, and his voice _breaks_ on that one word. He feels tears pool in his eyes and he tries to blink them away, because this shit is embarrassing, but that only makes it worse.

"Hey. It's okay, Lukas," Philip says, cupping the side of Lukas's neck and giving it a squeeze. A tear slides down Lukas's cheek and his breath hitches. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," Lukas manages, and he's pretty sure he's seconds away from full out sobbing. "Everyone back home would hate me, Philip. My dad..."

He trails off, because he's not even sure what to say, how to express how _not okay_ his dad would be if he knew. Lukas doesn't even want to imagine what his dad would do, if he'd disown him or hurt him, because he knows these things happen to guys who come out. And not thinking about it, being in denial, is the only thing that has kept the panic at bay all these years.

"It's okay," Philip repeats, softer. "Wanna go lie down? Not to... not to do anything. Just lie down."

"Yeah," Lukas says, because he wants nothing more than to curl up around Philip and pull the covers over both of them until he forgets the world outside, everything that is making him feel scared and miserable.

They end up face to face, heads resting close to each other on the pillow, and Philip runs his finger down Lukas's cheek, probably following the tracks of his tears. "Talk to me," Philip says gently.

Lukas looks down, fixes his gaze on Philip's chin because he can't look him in the eyes and his chin seems like the safest place. The one that doesn't make him do stupid things, like kiss Philip again.

"I don't know how to be that guy," he admits.

"What guy?"

"The one that likes other guys."

Philip sighs. "But you do, don't you?" he asks. "There's no manual for how you have to act or be just because you're gay. You're just... you."

It's the first time anyone has called him gay, has used that word in connection with him, and Lukas's throat closes up. "I tried so hard not to be," he whispers. "I tried for so long."

He feels Philip's finger slide back into his hair, brushing it out of his face and looks back up into his eyes. He's looking at Lukas with so much understanding, eyes so soft and big and beautiful. Lukas wants to drown in them, drown in _Philip_.

"What changed?" Philip asks.

Lukas gives him a wry smile. "I saw this stupidly gorgeous guy in my English class," he says, trying to make his voice sound light. Easy.

Philip smiles and leans in. He pauses right before their lips meet, and Lukas knows he's giving him time to pull away, to stop this. He holds his breath and doesn't move, and when Philip closes the remaining space between them he doesn't hesitate to return the kiss.

It's a slow kiss, mouths moving together languidly, learning each other. It's Lukas who eventually moves things along, sliding a hand down to rest on Philip's hip and tug him against him, while tracing his tongue over the seam of Philip's mouth until it opens under his.

He forgets about his fears then, about all the reasons he shouldn't want this. Feeling Philip against him, all hard and soft at once, their lips sliding together and hands starting to touch, tentatively at first and then more boldly, makes everything else fade away until all there's left is Philip and the way he makes Lukas feel.

*

Lukas wakes up in Philip's bed, with Philip curled up, half against him and half on top, face tucked into the curve of Lukas's neck. For a split second, Lukas feels absolutely at peace, happy, until he catches a movement from the corner of his eye.

He freezes, fear settling in his stomach, when he spies Ben. Their eyes meet and Ben gives him a crooked smile.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you up," he says in a whisper. "Just getting a change of clothes."

Lukas can only nod. He watches Ben pick up a shirt and a pair of sneakers, grabbing a small bag.

"See you around," Ben says, voice still low, and gives Lukas a small wave.

Lukas forgot about him. When they're in Philip's dorm, it always feels like it's just the two of them. Safe. Ben's name might be on the door as well, but Lukas knows that's only because his parents don't want him to live with his girlfriend, who has an apartment off campus, yet. But he's always there, so much so that Lukas completely forgets about him most of the time. Like last night. He didn't even think of the possibility of Ben coming home, seeing them.

"Shit," he mumbles and rubs his eyes with one hand, the one he doesn't have curled around Philip.

"Wha'?" Philip says sleepily, words slurred against Lukas's skin.

"Ben," Lukas starts.

Philip hum and shifts, settling even further on top of Lukas. "No, my name is Philip," he says, voice thick with sleep but teasing.

Lukas huffs. "No. Ben was just here. He saw us."

"So?" Philip asks and tilts his head back, kissing the side of Lukas neck. Lukas wishes he could focus on that, on Philip's lips, because they're amazing and they make him want to forget everything else. But he can't — not with the panic rising inside him, tying his stomach up in knots.

"Philip, he _saw_ us. Like this," Lukas repeats. "Fuck, everyone is going to know."

"Lukas, I doubt he cares," Philip says gently. Lukas wishes he could be that calm, that uncaring.

"If it gets back to my dad," he starts, his voice wavering.

Philip sighs and rolls off him, propping himself up on one elbow next to Lukas. His hair is a mess and his eyes look a little puffy, and it makes Lukas's stomach hurt even more.

"Lukas, your dad won't find out. Unless he comes to the city a lot and hangs out with college kids, talking with them about campus gossip," Philip says. "And even then I doubt anyone would mention this, because it's not a big deal."

Lukas wishes he could believe him. He knows he should, knows it's ridiculous, but even the slight possibility of his dad finding out about him scares the hell out of him. It must show on his face, because Philip sighs and kisses his cheek.

"I'll text Ben and ask him not to tell anyone, okay?" he suggests.

Lukas exhales and nods, pressing his eyes closed. "Sorry," he mumbles. "I'm sorry, Philip."

"'s okay," Philip says quietly.

*

The start of the week feels twice as hard as it usually does, after spending a weekend with Philip.

Walking into his first class on Monday, he wants nothing more than to go back to Philip's room, curl up in bed with Philip and make-out until his lips are numb and his body is buzzing. He can barely focus on what his professors are saying, his mind feeling miles away.

It's even worse in the classes Philip is in as well. Having him next to him, their knees pressed together because Philip is a damn _tease_ , makes it impossible for Lukas to pay attention, when all he wants is to kiss and touch and get Philip to himself, while at the same time having to bite back the anxiety that is always threatening to spill over.

*

Lukas watches Rose drag the little nail polish brush over her toe nails, one by one, leaving them painted bright red.

"You know," Rose says, glancing up at him, brush poised over one of her toes. "You said you wanted to talk to me. You've been sitting on my bed silently, watching me and listening to me blabber about my date last weekend. That's pretty much the opposite of talking."

"Yeah," Lukas says, plucking at the comforter on Rose's bed.

Rose sighs. "Lukas," she prompts and screws the little bottle of nail polish closed, setting it aside. "Talk to me."

Lukas meets her eyes for a second, then looks down at his fingers. "Philip and I kissed," he mumbles.

"What?"

"I said—" Lukas starts, meeting her eyes again, in an attempt to be brave. She already knows about him anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal.

"No, I heard what you said," Rose interrupts. "But are you serious?"

"Yes? Why would I make that up?"

"Oh my god, Lukas," Rose says, smiling at him. "That's awesome!"

Lukas gives her a doubtful look.

"What, it is," Rose says and slaps his arm. "So, are you two dating now?"

"I don't know," Lukas replies.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Rose asks. "Did you ask him out? Or did he ask you out?"

"No," Lukas says and frowns.

"Well, maybe you should," Rose says.

"You think so?" Lukas asks, because the thought hadn't even crossed his mind.

Rose shrugs. "I mean, yeah. You want to be with him, right?" she asks. "You didn't just kiss him for no reason, but didn't want him, did you?"

Like he did with her. Lukas feels a flare of guilt and frowns. "No, I do want him," he admits. "I just don't know... does it even work like that between guys? Like, the dating thing and stuff?"

"Why not?" Rose asks. "I don't think it's really all that different, Lukas. Philip would probably like it, if you took him somewhere nice and made an effort."

"Maybe," Lukas agrees. "It's complicated, though. I mean. I've just never... never felt that way and I didn't think I would. I have no idea what I'm doing."

Rose gives him a small, patient smile. "You'll figure it out," she says gently. "I'm proud of you, Lukas."

"For what?" Lukas mumbles.

Rose's smile gets a little wider. "All of this. Coming out, being with Philip. I know it's not easy, but you're doing it," she says. "And you should be proud of that, too."

*

"Lukas," Philip says when he opens the door for him, a wide smile forming on his face.

"Hey. You busy?"

"No," Philip says and pulls him inside. The moment the door falls shut behind Lukas, Philip drags him into a kiss, wrapping his arms around Lukas's neck.

Lukas would like to think he has some self-control, but all he can do is back Philip up against the wall and kiss him back, until they're both breathless. They're pressed so close together that Lukas can feel the outline of Philip's dick, starting to bulge, and he moans into Philip's mouth, hips stuttering against Philip's helplessly.

It feels... there are no words for how it feels. He remembers having Rose on top of him, grinding against him, and feeling nothing. Just panic and this sick feeling of wrongness. But he couldn't even get hard. With Philip, this is enough to make his blood rush south, his body tingling with want.

"Fuck," he murmurs, panting against Philip's lips. "Fuck, Philip."

Philip tips his head back, breaking the kiss, and gives him a little teasing smirk. "We can," he says, but it comes out breathless.

Lukas sighs, kisses him again, once, twice. "I came here to ask you something," he murmurs, trying to focus on that. He wants to get Philip naked, have him under him, but at the same time he doesn't think he's ready for that just yet. To go all the way.

"What?"

Lukas's nose nudges against Philip's and he sighs. "You wanna have dinner with me?"

"Now?" Philip asks.

"No, not now," Lukas says and pulls back, rolling his eyes and trying to hide his embarrassment. He never really asked anyone out like that. With Rose things just sort of happened and by the time they started going out on dates, they'd already been together for a month. The one girl he kind of dated before that was more their friends pushing them at each other than either of them wanting to — and they were freaking fourteen at the time anyway, so it didn't count.

"On Friday," he clarifies when Philip doesn't respond quickly enough.

"Oh. You mean a date?" Philip asks. "Are you asking me out?"

"Am I not supposed to?" Lukas replies, feeling insecurities claw back up inside of him. He feels so out of his depth. With girls he knew all the rules, the protocol, because he'd seen it in movies and been told how guys and girls are supposed to act his entire life. He knew he had to be the proactive one, would be expected to arrange outings and pay and be a gentleman. He knew what he was supposed to say and do and want.

"Of course you are. I mean, you can. If you want to," Philip says.

"Do _you_?" Lukas asks in return, rolling his lower lip between his teeth. It's something Philip always does, and Lukas can't remember if he used to do it too or if it's just one of Philip's nervous ticks that's rubbed off on him.

"Are we talking dinner at a restaurant? All nice and shit?" Philip asks.

"Yes," Lukas confirms, nodding.

Philip gives him a smile. "How about we go for a ride and then get pizza somewhere?" he suggests.

Lukas frowns at the suggestion, shrugging with one shoulder. "We always do that," he points out.

"Exactly," Philip says and tightens his arms around Lukas. "Because we like doing that. We don't have to do anything differently now, Lukas."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, you idiot. I don't want a fancy dinner, I just wanna hang out with you and have a good time," Philip says. "Unless you want to have a nice dinner at some stuffy restaurant with me?"

"Fuck no," Lukas replies and finally feels something in his chest come loose. He ducks his head down, skims his lips over Philip's cheek, down to his mouth, and grins.

*

Lukas is nervous about the whole thing, despite the fact that they're not doing anything they haven't done countless times before, but it's not until he gets to Philip's room and sees Philip, dressed the way he always is and smiling widely, that he calms down.

After that, it feels the way hanging out with Philip always has. Easy.

Taking Rose out on dates always felt more like a chore, something he knew he had to do even though there were a million other things he'd rather be doing. He liked her, liked spending time with her, but dates always felt stiff and awkward.

With Philip, it feels like he's still just hanging out with his best friend, having a good time, only Lukas has freaking _butterflies_ in his stomach and he can't wait to get Philip alone so he can kiss him.

He drives them around for a while, Philip pressed up close behind him, arms wrapped securely around Lukas's middle. It feels different now, intimate almost, and Lukas loves that Philip likes this as much as he does.

There's a pizza place he knows Philip likes close to where he grew up, and Lukas ends up driving them there. They eat tucked away at a small table, and Lukas wishes he would have the guts to reach across and hold Philip's hand, but he doesn't.

Lukas suggests going for ice cream afterwards, but Philip shakes his head and gives him a smile.

"Let's get something we can take with us. Drive somewhere where it's just the two of us," he suggests, and Lukas is more than happy. They end up at a grocery store, getting cookies and a bottle of coke, and Lukas drives them out of the city, with no directions in mind other than leaving everyone else behind them.

Eventually, they end up next to a field, sitting side by side on prickly grass.

"You know," Philip says as he breaks one of the cookies in half and takes a bite. "This is my first date."

"Ever?" Lukas asks, surprised.

Philip shrugs. "Yeah. There weren't exactly a ton of gay guys at my school or where I lived," he says.

"Oh. And you never, you know, dated girls?"

Philip snorts. "No way. I had a girlfriend for two days in kindergarten, but that's it," he says.

"So you've never," Lukas starts and licks his lips, his mouth feeling too dry suddenly, "done stuff?"

Philip gives him an amused look. "I've _done stuff_ ," he echoes. "I went to gay clubs a few times, fooled around with guys. But I've never dated."

"Have you ever. You know," Lukas says, leaving the words unspoken in the air between them and hoping Philip gets what he means.

"No," Philip replies. "I've never had sex with a guy."

"Me neither. I mean, with anyone," Lukas admits, and Philip gives him a small smile, rolling his lower lip between his teeth.

"Cool," he says and when their eyes meet, they both grin.

*

"You've been spending a lot of nights elsewhere," Aaron notes a couple of weeks later, when Lukas walks into their dorm room one Saturday morning.

He hums and heads straight for the closet to get a change of clothes. He's meeting up with Philip again in an hour, just enough time to shower and change, because Philip wants to go take some photos and Lukas promised to go with him.

"You got a girlfriend, Waldenbeck?" Aaron prods.

Lukas tosses a few clothes onto his bed. "None of your business," he mutters.

There's a moment of silence before Aaron adds, "Or are you spending your nights with your little boyfriend now, too?"

Lukas turns to glare at Aaron across the room. "Are _you_ still desperately trying and failing at picking up girls every night?" he shoots back, anger boiling up inside of him. He clenches his hands into fists, telling himself it's not worth getting into a fight over, but god, he wants to. It's not a new feeling — he's a pretty chill guy, he likes to think, but when it gets too much he usually turns to using his fists instead of words. It hasn't happened often, but he's thrown a few punches in his life.

They were usually well deserved, but Lukas never liked it, never felt good about it afterwards, and he's trying not to be like that. So he tries to keep calm, breathe easy, even though Aaron is talking shit about _Philip_.

"What's your problem, dude?" Aaron asks, glowering at him.

"What's yours?" Lukas replies and, in an effort not to do anything stupid, grabs his clothes. "I'm leaving."

 

"Fine," Aaron mutters and then adds, more quietly, "Asshole."

"Look in a fucking mirror, dude," Lukas replies, and it's not the best comeback in the world, but it feels snappy enough that Lukas is proud of himself.

*

As the weeks progress, Lukas's anxiety about his relationship with Philip eases up.

Nobody looks at him weird or whispers behind his back. There's nothing about him that apparently screams _gay_ and nobody bats an eyelash when he, sometimes, throws a casual arm around Philip's shoulder for a few short moments when they walk side by side.

It's the most he dares to do when they're out in public. He feels bad about it sometimes, wishes he could give Philip more than that.

It's only when they're alone, parked on some lonely dirt road or in Philip's room, that he dares to kiss Philip, to touch him the way he wants to and tell Philip how crazy he makes him, how good he makes him feel.

*

"I'm going to die before I finish this novel," Lukas complains when Philip closes his biology book. He groans and turns his head, pressing it into Philip's thigh.

Mid-terms are in full-swing, coupled with deadlines for assignments, and Lukas is feeling exhausted. He's not nearly as bad off as some other people — he's witnessed more than a few fellow students rant and rave and have small break-downs over the last few days. Lukas has been studying a lot — partially because Philip has been making him — but he's feeling pretty confident. The whole thing is tedious more than anything and Lukas is a little annoyed that his time with Philip has been cut down, but he knows it could be a lot worse.

Philip laughs. "It's not that bad," he says.

"It's a million pages long," Lukas mumbles into the fabric of Philip's jeans. He feels fingers start to card through his hair and he relaxes a little.

"Like, five hundred."

Lukas sighs and turns onto his back, blinking up at Philip, who is sitting cross-legged next to him. "There should be a rule that they can't make us read anything longer than a hundred pages at college."

"Why don't you write a letter to the board and see how that suggestion goes over with them?"

"You're mocking me," Lukas notes.

"Only a little," Philip replies.

"That really hurts, baby," Lukas says, and Philip smiles down at him.

"Baby, huh?" he says.

"Shut up," Lukas mutters and groans again. He picks up _North and South_ , the novel they're reading for their Victorian Lit class. "How far along are you with this?"

Philip peers down at the open book. "About as far as you. Couple of pages ahead, but sorry, I can't sum up the rest of the plot for you."

"Nah, but you can read it to me," Lukas says and gives Philip his best pleading look. "You're done with your reading assignment. Please, Philip?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes," Lukas says. "There's a movie and I looked it up, everyone says it sticks pretty close to the novel. So we can watch this later. Just read a little to me first."

"Why?"

"I like the sound of your voice," Lukas murmurs, and Philip rolls his eyes but his lips are twitching up into a smile and Lukas knows he's won. He slides his arm over Philip's lap and hides his grin against his leg.

It still feels unreal that he gets to do this stuff now, gets to have this. It's probably the first time in Lukas's life that he's really happy.

*

There's a knock on the door and Lukas looks up from the magazine he's browsing idly to see if Aaron is going to go open it. His bed is closer to the door so it makes sense, but Aaron doesn't look up from the game he's playing on his phone. He has the sound turned on and the stupid melody and beeping sounds have been annoying Lukas to high heaven.

With a sigh, he gets up and goes to the door, pulling it open. He expects to find one of Aaron's friends, there to drag him out to yet another party.

But it's Philip.

Philip, who looks disheveled and his eyes are puffy and red and he has his arms wrapped around his middle like he's trying to protect himself from something.

"What happened?" Lukas asks, wanting nothing more than to reach out, to check if Philip is fine.

"I tried calling," Philip says, eyes cast down. "Your phone's off."

"Shit. My battery must have died," Lukas says and finally takes Philip by the arm, tugging him into the room. "Come in. Give me a moment, I'll put on some shoes and we can go somewhere."

"Can we take your bike?" Philip asks, following Lukas inside.

"Of course," Lukas agrees and hurries over to his side of the room. He hears Aaron mutter something and when he turns around to check, Philip's jaw is set and he's staring at Lukas's bed, so Lukas can guess Aaron must have said some kind of insult.

Lukas would call him out on it, but Philip is looking miserable and all he wants is to get him out of here. Take him somewhere where they can talk.

He puts on his shoes, grabs his keys and wallet and his two helmets, handing one to Philip.

"Come on," he murmurs and steers Philip back out of the room, sending a glare at Aaron on his way out even though the guy isn't even looking at them.

"Did he say something to you?" he asks when they're out in the hallway and start walking.

"Doesn't matter," Philip mutters.

"It does," Lukas says. "And you don't have to just take it. You can say something."

Philip sighs. "Not like it's gonna do any good. It just tends to make things worse," he says. "And you have to live with the guy."

"Philip," Lukas tries.

"Listen, I don't want to talk about Aaron, okay?" Philip says, a little testily, and then deflates. "My mom relapsed."

"Shit, Philip," Lukas whispers, trying to keep his voice down because his entire dorm doesn't need to know about Philip's home life. "I'm sorry."

"She was doing so well," Philip says, cutting a glance at Lukas. His eyes look a little wet and Lukas wishes they were somewhere else already so he could hug Philip, make him feel better.

"Do you know what happened?" he asks when they're finally outside, making their way to the parking lot.

"Not really. I think... her boyfriend visited her a little while ago. I'm guessing he slipped her something," Philip says. "The guy's a dick."

"Yeah. Why was he allowed to see her? I mean, shouldn't they keep an eye out for stuff like that at the rehab center?"

Philip shrugs. "Not like they'd know what kind of guy he is," he says. "I doubt my mom ever said anything bad about him. She... well, she never really sees the bad in people. If you asked her about him, you'd think the guy was a saint."

"I'm sorry, Philip," Lukas says, coming to a stop next to his bike.

"Just... take me somewhere, okay?" Philip asks, sounding so sad and small.

Lukas nods and puts on his helmet, watching Philip do the same. When Philip slides onto the bike behind him, wrapping his arms securely around Lukas, Lukas lets his hand brush against Philip's for a second before he revs the engine.

*

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough," Philip says, tossing a pebble into the air. Lukas watches it land a few feet away from them on the dusty ground.

"Don't say that," he says softly.

"She just... never gets better." Philip leans back against the small tree behind him and sighs. "She always says she will, for me. And I always get my hopes up. And then I feel so stupid when she starts using again, because I feel like I should know better by now."

"You want her better. I think it's probably pretty normal to hope it'll happen," Lukas says and slides his arm around Philip's shoulder, tugging him against him.

"I just wish I was enough to actually make her do it."

"She's still in rehab though, right? Still trying," Lukas asks softly.

"Yeah," Philip says.

"She's doing that for you, Philip," Lukas reminds him and kisses the top of his head. "That's... that's something, right? She loves you."

"Yeah," Philip says and sighs. "Why can't things just be okay? Easy? Everything always gets so messed up in my life."

"Not everything," Lukas murmurs.

Philip tips his head back and gives him a sad smile, and Lukas kisses him, wishing he could take it all away. Wishes he wasn't making things more complicated for Philip by being in the closet.

One day, he thinks. Maybe they'll move far away, to a place where nobody knows them and Lukas can be himself. Somewhere where he can be the person Philip deserves and give him everything he wants.

*

"Can you stay over tonight?" Philip asks when they get back to his dorm room.

Lukas wants to laugh at that, because when does he not? He's always at Philip's and spending the nights there as well when Ben isn't around. The only reason he ever goes back to his room is because sometimes he feels like he should.

The fact that Philip asks, as if Lukas would be doing him a favor by staying, tells Lukas just how bad Philip is feeling, though, so he nods and touches Philip's arm. "Of course," he says.

"I think I just want to not think about the whole thing for a while," Philip adds and leans up, pressing up against Lukas, and kisses him. "Please."

It's the please that does Lukas in. Not that the kiss alone wouldn't be enough, but the soft plea pulls at his heartstrings. He wraps his arms around Philip and kisses him back, all deep and hard and a little desperate. If Philip wants to be distracted, Lukas will do the damn best job he can.

*

They end up tangled in Philip's sheets, naked save for their boxer-briefs. Lukas is on top of Philip, settled between his splayed legs, exchanging a series of seemingly endless kisses as Lukas grinds down against Philip.

They're both hard, panting harshly into each other's mouths, and it feels so good. Having Philip under him, writhing and making these beautiful needy little noises, their clothed cocks rubbing together, hands sliding over naked skin — Lukas has never felt anything as amazing. If this is what it feels like just to rub off against Philip, Lukas is pretty sure actual sex will kill him.

"Philip," Lukas moans and that's pretty much all he can say. Philip's name over and over again, like a fucking prayer.

He smears kisses down Philip's cheek to his jaw, bites at it and tastes the faint traces of sweat and soap on Philip's neck while twisting his hips down against him.

He comes first, with a gasp he muffles against Philip's skin, and Philip arches up into him, rubs himself against Lukas until he spills, too.

Lying together, a sweaty breathless mess of tangled limbs and sticky skin, Lukas presses his forehead against Philip's cheek and wraps Philip up in his arms.

"Why haven't we been doing that for the past few weeks?" he asks. He's teasing, not expecting an answer, but Philip covers the hand Lukas has resting on his stomach with his and intertwines their finger.

"I didn't want to push you," he says, all sincere and quiet.

Lukas goddamn loves him. Even if it's too soon, too much, he _loves_ Philip.

*

Later, after the sun has long set and the only source of light in the room is Philip's desk lamp, Philip shifts against him. The window is cracked open, cool air and the sound of muffled laughter and voices trickling inside, mingling with the sounds of people out in the hallway.

"Sounds like the whole college is out partying tonight," he notes. "On a Tuesday."

Lukas laughs softly and kisses Philip's temple. "Baby, it's Halloween," he points out.

Philip groans and covers his eyes with his arm. "Shit, I forgot all about that," he says.

Lukas snorts. "You didn't see all the dressed up people?" he asks, and tugs Philip's arm down.

"I skipped all my afternoon classes and holed up in here," Philip admits, turning his head to the side and meeting Lukas's eyes. "And I wasn't paying attention earlier. I've been kind of... messed up."

"Yeah," Lukas says softly and cups Philip's face. He smooths his thumb over the soft skin under Philip's eye. "Sorry you couldn't reach me. I'll make sure my phone is charged from now on."

Philip scoots closer, tucking his head under Lukas's chin. "Thank you," he says, and Lukas doesn't know quite the right words to tell him that he has nothing to thank him for, because there isn't anything he wouldn't do for him, because he means so damn much to him.

He just nods instead and runs his fingers through Philip's messy curls, holding him close until Philip falls asleep, wrapped up safely in his arms.

*

The first few days of November bring colder weather, and grades for their midterms start trickling in — Lukas is pretty damn happy with his results, even more so when he overhears Aaron complaining about failing one of his exams — and Thanksgiving break is fast approaching.

It's the latter that really puts a damper on Lukas's mood.

He knows he should look forward to a few days off and sleeping in, but he knows his father expects him to come home for the holiday and Lukas can't think of a single reason not to. At least not one he could tell his father.

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" he asks Philip, walking out of their history class side by side.

"Stay here, I guess," Philip says with a shrug, a frown tugging at his lips. Lukas wishes they were somewhere where he could kiss it away, make Philip smile again.

"I wish I could, too."

"You wanna spend Thanksgiving in the dorms?" Philip replies.

"I wanna spend it with you," Lukas says quietly and hitches his backpack higher on his shoulder. Then, more quietly, he adds, "I don't wanna go home."

"Maybe it won't be that bad," Philip tries, but he doesn't sound very convincing.

Lukas gives him a look and snorts. "Yeah, you don't know my dad," he says bitterly. "I hope you never will, man."

Philip gives him a sad smile. "Well, now that we've successfully ruined the mood, wanna go grab some coffee?" he asks. "I think I need one now."

"Yeah, okay," Lukas agrees and then takes hold of Philip's arm for a second, making him look at him. "Look, let's just make the most of the next couple of weeks. I mean, midterms are over and we'll just spend so much time together that by the time I'll leave, you'll be glad and won't even miss me."

"I don't think that's gonna work," Philip says. Lukas shakes his head and grins.

"Nah, you'll see. I'll make you get sick of me. You'll be glad to see me go and get a break from me for a few days."

"You're such an idiot," Philip says, sounding all fond and soft, and the unhappy frown is finally gone off his face. It makes Lukas feel better, even though the pit in his stomach doesn't quite go away.

It's only a few days, he tries to tell himself silently. He can go a few days without Philip. He can survive a few days with his dad.

*

Lukas isn't sure if he becomes braver over the next few days, or if the prospect of spending a few days without Philip just makes him desperate and needy enough to push his fears aside. They keep things under wraps on campus, but when they go to different places, places where Lukas feels like just a nameless face in the crowd, he finds himself taking Philip's hand in his and sneaking quick kisses.

The smile on Philip's lips makes it all worth it.

They go to dinner a few times, hit some touristy spots over the weekend and some of the places Philip likes best in the city. Lukas stands by patiently when Philip takes photos of things and doesn't duck his head when Philip takes photos of _him_. They have ice-cream, even though Philip complains it's getting too cold for that, and go riding around on Lukas's bike. Friday night, they grab a bite to eat and then go see a movie, and in the darkness of the theater, tucked away in the last row, Lukas intertwines their fingers and kisses Philip.

Lukas is pretty sure his plan is backfiring spectacularly though, because with each day that passes the thought of spending a few days without Philip just starts getting more unbearable.

"Maybe we should just run away together," he suggests a week before he has to leave. They're sitting on the floor of Philip's room, leaning back against the bed, with his laptop — because Philip's is crappy and Lukas is already thinking about getting Philip a new one for Christmas, even if Philip will probably not like that very much — at their stretched out feet, Captain America playing.

"Where are we going to run off to?"

"California," Lukas says automatically, then actually thinks about that. "Or Europe. That'd be cool. We could live in Italy or something."

"Yeah, with no college degree and neither of us speaks Italian."

"So, we'll get crappy jobs and a tiny apartment. At least we'd be together," Lukas points out and Philip laughs softly, resting his head on Lukas's shoulder.

"Sounds good."

"You could take lots of photos there, I bet," Lukas adds, sliding his arm around Philip and running his fingers up and down his arm a couple of times.

"Maybe we can wait until we have degrees and then move somewhere together," Philip mumbles. He shifts and kisses Lukas's neck.

Lukas sighs and nods, but the thought of things being the way they are for a few more years seriously depresses him. Things were so good just a few weeks ago, but with Thanksgiving and what happened with Philip's mother, Lukas feels a bit like he got a good slap of reality and he's not liking it very much.

"Hey," Philip murmurs and pulls back a little, looking at him. "Don't do that. We're supposed to be happy right now. Get sick of each other before next week, remember?"

"Yeah," Lukas says quietly.

Philip cups his face and kisses him gently. "Lukas," he says, and kisses him again, a little more firmly this time.

Lukas sighs against Philip's lips and shifts so the angle gets better. When the kiss deepens, becomes open-mouthed and slick and perfect, Lukas puts a hand on Philip's thigh and manhandles Philip until he's straddling his lap.

His hands slide down to Philip's ass, squeezing and dragging him closer.

"Movie," Philip gasps, even while grinding their hips together.

"Fuck the movie," Lukas replies and kisses a path down Philip's throat, skimming over his sensitive skin.

"Fuck. Yeah, okay," Philip moans. He tangles his fingers in Lukas's hair, holding on, while Lukas sucks at a spot at the base of his neck, not caring if he leaves a mark.

They move things onto the bed eventually. Lukas spreads Philip out under him, on his back, and rucks his shirt up, placing damp kisses onto Philip's stomach and feeling the muscles quiver under his touch. They've done this enough times now that he knows which spots on Philip's body to seek out, and he spends some time running the tip of his tongue over Philip's nipples and sucking on the buds until they're hard and wet and Philip is arching up so beautifully under him. His hands skim down Philip's sides, feels the dip where his rib cage ends and follows the barely there curve of his waist down to his hips.

Kissing his way back down Philip's stomach, his hands reach for the button of Philip's jeans, popping it open and sliding the zipper down.

"I wanna suck you," he murmurs into the soft skin under Philip's belly-button, his chin brushing against the waistband of his boxer-briefs. He's rock hard and the thought of tasting Philip for the first time makes him tremble with arousal. Philip gave him a blowjob a couple of days ago, all wet and sloppy and amazing, and Lukas has been thinking about it a lot since, about returning the favor. It took him a little by surprise how much the thought excites him.

"Oh fuck, yes," Philip hisses, hands coming to rest on Lukas's shoulders. He doesn't quite push him down, but Lukas feels the gentle pressure, feels Philip's hips twitch up helplessly.

He grins and curls his fingers under the waistband of Philip's boxer-briefs, tugging them down along with his jeans when Philip lifts his hips, just enough to leave Philip exposed.

He pulls back a little, looking down at Philip for a few moments. He never let himself think about dicks much before, averted his eyes when he was in locker-rooms with other guys or communal showers. The first time he saw Philip, he almost expected not to like it, because he'd been taught not to all his life, taught to think any dick but his own is something to be grossed out by.

But Philip is beautiful. Not quite as long or thick as Lukas, but if a dick can be pretty, than Philip's sure is, all flushed and hard, nestled in dark curls and the tip already wet for him.

He licks up the length experimentally, and there's no gross taste or anything, but it drags a whine from Philip's lips.

Lukas wraps his hand around the base of Philip's cock, and sucks the tip into his mouth, letting his tongue play over the tip. Philip's precome tastes slightly bitter, but Lukas doesn't care, is too excited to care. Slowly, he takes Philip in a little deeper, tries to breathe through his nose. Philip's hips stutter up, pushing his cock in deeper and taking him by surprise, and he pulls up with a small cough.

"Sorry. Sorry," Philip pants harshly.

"'s okay," Lukas says, but he puts his free hand on Philip's hip, holding him down with soft pressure before he sucks him back into his mouth.

He doesn't dare take Philip in too deeply, yet, but from the way Philip's reacting, the soft moans and cries coming from him, Lukas is doing okay anyway. He tries to mimic the things Philip did that he liked, using his tongue and hollowing out his cheeks to increase the suction, stroking what he can't take in with his hand.

He likes the weight of Philip on his tongue — _loves_ it — and the way his lips feel stretched around him, and he feels oddly proud for doing this, for making Philip feel good. It turns him on, doing this, his cock so damn hard and leaking in his underwear, pressing up uncomfortably against the confines of his jeans, and he moans around Philip's dick.

It doesn't take long before he feels Philip tense, hips pressing up into the pressure of Lukas's hands restlessly.

"Lukas. Lukas," Philip gasps, pressing against his shoulder, urging him back. "Gonna come. Shit, I'm gonna come."

Lukas pulls back a little, but not all the way, keeps his mouth around Philip and gives him a few firm strokes with his hand. Philip shudders, moans out his name, and then hot, sticky come floods Lukas's mouth. It's a little weird, startling even though Lukas knew it was coming, and he sputters a little as he pulls off. It's still damn good, though, and Lukas wastes no time sitting back between Philip's splayed legs and undoing his own jeans.

He looks down at Philip, disheveled and flushed, his chest heaving and his eyes half-lidded, as he pulls his dick out and starts stroking himself, pleasure settling deep in his stomach.

Philip whines, pushing himself up on his elbows. He looks debauched. Beautiful. And Lukas only needs a few hard tugs, hand working himself furiously as his eyes roams over Philip, before he comes, splattering come over Philip's naked stomach with a groan.

"Fuck. _Fuck_ ," he grunts. His entire body is quivering, muscles feeling like jelly. Careful not to squish Philip, he collapses on top of him, pressing him back into the mattress as he crushes their mouths together in a kiss.

It turns out a little frantic, Lukas's heart pumping hard and endorphins coursing through his body, but their kisses turn lazy eventually, hands touching each other gently.

"We missed most of the movie," Philip finally says, sounding a little sleepy.

Lukas kisses his cheek. "We can start over," he suggests, stroking Philip's hair back.

"Mmm, please," Philip says. "But let's stay in bed."

"Yeah," Lukas agrees with a soft laugh. He steals another kiss, then a second, before he heaves himself out of bed. They clean themselves off with one of Philip's shirts before getting undressed completely. Lukas gets Philip's desk chair and puts his laptop on top of it, positioning it until Philip gives him a thumb up, and then crawls under the covers with Philip.

They move around a little, trying to find a comfortable position they can both watch the movie in. Lukas ends up on his stomach, arms curled under his head, Philip sprawled half over his back, his cheek resting on Lukas's shoulder.

"'m not too heavy, right?" Philip mumbles, and Lukas snorts.

"Yeah, right. My bike gears weights more than you," Lukas replies and Philip laughs softly. He kisses Lukas's shoulder blade and strokes his hand down Lukas's side.

"You know, you're hotter than that dude," he says.

"Chris Evans?"

"Hmm, yes. And the other one, too," Philip says. "You're hotter than _all_ other guys."

"Not hotter than you," Lukas replies, eyes lazily tracking the movement on the screen. "That's not even possible."

Philip is quiet for a moment, then Lukas hears a soft sigh. "I don't want you to go home next week," Philip admits quietly.

"I don't wanna go," Lukas replies, gaze still fixed on the movie even though he's not paying attention anymore.

Philip kisses him between the shoulder blades and then presses his nose to the same spot, his hair tickling Lukas's skin.

*

They say goodbye in Philip's room.

Lukas holds him tight, refusing to let go, his mouth brushing against the shell of Philip's ear. "Tell me you're sick of me," he murmurs and pretends not to notice that Philip has tacked a photo of him to his wall, where he keeps some shots of the city, since Lukas was last here.

"Never," Philip replies, sounding sad.

Lukas heaves a sigh and finally untangles himself from Philip, only to cup his face in both hands and kiss him. "I'll text you when I get there."

"Okay," Philip says and presses in for another kiss.

It takes another five minutes before Lukas manages to tear himself away from Philip and finally leave.

As he walks out of the dormitory, he thinks it would be a lot easier if he knew Philip wasn't staying here for the holidays. That Philip had somewhere to go, someone to go to. Maybe, then, Lukas's chest wouldn't hurt so damn much.

*

Thanksgiving sucks as much as Lukas thought it would.

He's not sure what the point is of him even being there, except that his dad expects him to, even though they end up not really doing anything. They never do, not since his mom died. Holidays have always been more sad than fun since, and Lukas wishes they'd just stop pretending and skip them altogether.

They have microwaved dinner, the way they always do, and sit mostly in silence at the table. Any attempts at conversation go nowhere fast — Lukas doesn't really know what to tell his dad about college when he has to avoid mentioning Philip too much and he clams up completely when his dad asks about girls. He asks about his dad's job and the farm out of politeness in return, but his dad has never been much of a talker and only gets a few short responses.

The only thing they've ever been able to talk about is motocross, but Lukas hasn't been riding a lot, other than with Philip, and he knows his dad isn't really happy about the fact that Lukas decided not to go into the circuit after graduating. It's yet another way Lukas managed to disappoint him, because he decided to go to _college_. He hadn't even wanted to for the longest time, but one of his teachers had pulled him aside at the beginning of senior year and told Lukas to really think about it. It hadn't been an easy decision, but in the end Lukas decided to give college a try. He thought it was a good choice, a responsible one, but apparently his dad didn't agree. It hadn't really helped their already tense relationship.

After dinner, his dad switches from beer to whiskey, and Lukas can tell he's in a sour mood, so it doesn't take long before he retreats to his room before things can get ugly between them.

He curls up on his bed, pulling the covers over his head and feeling all of six years old again, wanting to hide in his mother's arms and cry, only his mother isn't there anymore.

He texts Philip, _I miss you_ , and stares at the screen as the message goes through. And then, before Philip can even reply, he sends off another text.

_You're the only goddamn thing I'm thankful for._

Philip replies after a minute. _Hope you're okay, miss you lots._ And then: _Me too_.

Lukas closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in and out slowly a few times to calm down, because he's feeling all over the place, before he finds Philip's name in his contact list and presses call.

*

Rose talks him into hanging out with their friends the next day.

"It'll be fun," she promises. Lukas doubts it, but he figures it can't be worse than hanging out in his room all day.

He hasn't seen or talked to anyone from school since he left for college, and when he's greeted with loud cheers and calls of his name when he walks into the diner where they're meeting up, he feels himself shrink back into himself a little, hating the attention.

It doesn't get better from there on out. Lukas never thought he had that much in common with his friends, though he pretended to, but he never realized just how different he was. He listens to them talk about how horrible classes are and parties and hooking-up — and he knows most of the stories are probably bullshit — and thinks about how much he actually enjoys the afternoons he's spent curled up with Philip, both of them doing their homework. How he prefers staying in more than going out. How hooking-up doesn't sound appealing to him at all, unless it's with Philip.

It gets worse when David starts complaining about his roommate, who is actually into studying and "a fucking nerd".

"Guy's a total fag," David says, and Lukas feels his stomach drop. Feels a wave of panic so strong it makes him feel a little nauseous.

Everyone else laughs and Lukas knows he's supposed to laugh, too, but the sound gets stuck in his throat.

"You're an asshole," Rose says, and everyone turns to look at her.

"What?" David asks.

"I said you're an asshole," Rose repeats, loudly. Angrily. She pulls her wallet out and throws some bills onto the table before getting up and looking down at Lukas.

"Lukas, can you give me ride home, please?" she asks.

Lukas nods and adds some money to her bills. He wishes he could bring himself to say something, to be like Rose. To stand up for who he is.

"Oh come. Lukas, stay," Jill says, the pleading tone of her voice grating on Lukas's nerves.

"Yeah. She's not your girlfriend anymore, remember? You don't have to do what she says," Aidan adds.

Lukas gives them a weak smile. "Sorry, guys," he mumbles and gets up, grabbing his jacket and following Rose outside.

Outside, Rose links her arm with Lukas's. "Did they get worse or were they always assholes and we never noticed?" she asks.

Lukas sighs. "I think we used to be assholes, too," he replies.

Rose gives him a sad look. "I'm sorry, Lukas," she says. "I didn't really realize how difficult it must have been for you."

Lukas shrugs. "I didn't really know things could be different," he replies, and somehow that makes the whole thing even sadder, he realizes.

"Let's go do something. Anything. Forget about those idiots in there and have fun," Rose suggests.

Lukas gives her a doubtful look. "I just wanna go back to New York. To Philip," he admits.

Rose grins "As your ex-girlfriend, I'm probably not supposed to think that's sweet," she says. "But damn, that's sweet."

"Oh, shut up," Lukas mutters. "As my _friend_ , you're supposed to cheer me up."

"Fine," Rose says. "I have leftover pie from last night at my house that my mom made."

"Let's go," Lukas says, finally cracking a small smile.

*

The weekend feels like the longest of Lukas's life and he's never felt more relieved than when he finally gets on his bike and heads off for New York again.

He doesn't speed, because the first time he did the sheriff caught him and scared the hell out of him, but he goes as fast as the limit allows, eager to get back to Philip.

When he gets close to campus, he stops to text Philip, asking him to come meet him outside, because he doesn't want to wait any longer than he has to to see him again and even walking from the parking lot to their dormitory and up to Philip's room feels like too much.

Philip is standing outside, wearing the leather jacket he loves so much, arms wrapped around himself.

Lukas gets off the bike, almost tripping over his own feet, and pulls his helmet of.

"Hey," Philip says, stepping closer to him. Lukas doesn't think, doesn't hesitate; he reaches for Philip and pulls him close, wrapping him up in a tight hug.

Philip laughs against his shoulder and hugs him back. He tries to pull back after a couple of seconds, but Lukas holds on tight.

"We're in public," Philip reminds him, and Lukas hates that he feels the need to do that. Because of him. And he doesn't give a damn at the moment.

"I freaking missed you," he mumbles.

"It can't have been that bad," Philip replies. Lukas breaks the hug then, looking down at Philip's face.

"Yeah. Yeah, it was," he says and then he cups Philip's face in his hands and brings their lips together.

Philip remains frozen and when Lukas pulls back, he finds Philip staring at him with wide eyes.

"You just kissed me in public," Philip says, voice full of surprise.

Lukas gives him a sheepish grin, even though his stomach is doing somersaults, fear and excitement mixing inside of him. "And you didn't kiss me back," he replies.

Philip's smile forms slowly, until he's _beaming_. "Do it again," he says.

Lukas laughs softly and leans in, brushing their noses together for a moment before kissing Philip again. This time, Philip kisses him back, hands coming up to grip Lukas's arms.

"Upstairs," he mumbles against Lukas's lips after a few moments. "Lukas, I really need you to take me upstairs before I do something we'll both regret."

Lukas doesn't need to be told twice.

*

"Are you sure?" Lukas mumbles between kisses, praying Philip will say yes. His hands slide down Philip's naked body, gripping, palming, unable to stop touching him, stop kissing him. He rocks down against Philip, their cocks sliding together, and it feels so amazing. Everything with Philip always does.

"Are you?" Philip asks. He sounds breathless, turned on, yet unsure.

Lukas tears himself away then and looks down at Philip. "Yeah," he says. " _Yeah_. I've never been more sure about anything."

"Me neither," Philip says, smiling. Lukas leans down and kisses him, gentler than before.

"Do you have stuff?" he asks.

Philip nods and twists around, reaching for his dresser. He chews on his bottom lip as he pulls out a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube. "Got this a little while ago," he says, and gives Lukas a little teasing grin.

Lukas pushes himself up, taking some of the weight off Philip, and takes the lube. "Okay. So," he starts, feeling nerves flare up in his stomach.

"You have to use your fingers first. Open me up," Philip says, his cheeks turning pink.

"Dude, you think I haven't read up on this?" Lukas asks indignantly.

Philip looks at him with raised eyebrows. "You have?"

"Yes," Lukas says, and feels his cheeks heat up, too. He sits back and pops the bottle open, then meets Philip's eyes again. "Just... you gotta tell me if I do something you don't like. If it doesn't feel good."

"I will," Philip promises. He pulls his legs up, bending his knees, and lets his legs fall open wider around Lukas, and fuck if that isn't the hottest thing Lukas has ever seen. He thinks he'd feel so vulnerable doing that, exposing himself like that, and the trust Philip places in him makes his heart squeeze.

He touches Philip's knee and then leans over him to give him another quick, sweet kiss, nudging his nose against Philip's before drawing back again. He pours some lube onto his fingers, only shaking a little, and slicks them up until they're dripping a little.

Philip watches him intently as Lukas reaches between his legs, meeting his eyes and waiting for Philip to give him a nod. When he does, he pushes his fingers further back, lets them slide over Philip's hole.

He wasn't lying when he said he read up on sex between two guys, wanting to be prepared if they ever did this. But knowing what he's supposed to do and actually doing it are two completely different things, and Lukas feels a little anxious as he slowly presses the first finger inside.

The heat and tightness of Philip's body almost makes him gasp, makes him want this even more and pull away at the same time, because there's no fucking way he can fit inside Philip and not hurt him. His eyes flit up to Philip's face, to his parted lips and flushed cheeks.

"Is... is this okay?" he asks.

"Oh fuck. Yes," Philip says, voice thick. "'m not gonna break."

 _You don't know that_ , Lukas wants to say, but bites the words back because he doesn't want Philip to be nervous, too. He's careful, tries to remember what he read online about doing this, and moves his finger in and out a few times, until he feels Philip relax.

He adds another finger after a little while, feeling more confident when he can slide it in easily alongside the first. He leans down, presses kisses to Philip's belly, his hip, nuzzles the smooth skin there.

"You feel so good," he murmurs and twists and turns his fingers the way he's read about.

"Oh god," Philip moans in reply, and he rocks his hips a little, tentatively.

The third finger, though, makes Philip tense and Lukas looks up at him to find him grimacing a little. "Want me to stop?" he asks quickly, already starting to pull out again.

"No," Philip says, firmly. "No. Just. Give me second."

"Okay," Lukas says. He stills and then, in an attempt to distract Philip, nuzzles along his hard cock, places small kisses to it and then takes the tip into his mouth, sucking on it.

"Lukas!" Philip cries out, hips twitching. Lukas smiles around him, takes him in deeper, and cautiously starts moving his hand, pulling his fingers out a little and pushing back in. Philip doesn't tense up again and before long Lukas can slide his fingers in and out with ease. He twists them, searching, until he finds what he assumes is Philip's prostate judging by the way Philip gasps and writhes when he presses against it.

"Oh holy fuck," Philip curses. "Now. Now, now, _now_ , Lukas, please."

Lukas pulls back. "Okay, hold on," he says. He gets himself ready, fingers shaking a little as he rolls a condom down his cock and lubes himself up.

"Ready?" he asks as he leans over Philip. Philip wraps his legs around his waist and nods wordlessly, and Lukas stares down at him as he guides himself into position, nudging his cock against Philip's entrance.

He pushes forward, pressing himself in. He's met with a brief moment of resistance before the head of his cock slides past the tight ring of muscles.

Whatever Lukas thought sex would feel like, whatever he'd concocted in his fantasies, nothing could have prepared him for the way Philip feels around him, the way he grips him, the slick heat.

Lukas makes a noise, deep in his throat, and sucks in a shaky breath. He can tell it's uncomfortable for Philip, can imagine that this must hurt — every website he'd found had said it would — but Philip tightens his legs around him anyway.

"Keep going. Please," he pleads. Lukas gives him a small nod.

He leans down, peppers kisses over Philip's face, murmurs, "It's okay. It'll fade. I'm sorry, baby. It's okay. You can tell me to stop anytime," and carefully pushes in deeper. He stops a few times, gives Philip time to adjust, waits until he feels the muscles relax around him a little before he slides in a little deeper.

They're both panting harshly by the time Lukas is pressed all the way inside, their foreheads resting together, damp with sweat and skin hot.

"Okay," Philip whispers after a few seconds. "Move."

Lukas nods and kisses him, pulling back just a little before rocking forward again. He feels it everywhere, like bursts of pleasure rolling down his spine, spreading hotly through his entire body.

Not wanting to hurt Philip, he keeps it slow, his thrusts small, and prays he can make Philip feel even half as good as Philip is making him feel. Prays he is going to last long enough for Philip to enjoy this.

"This is," he starts, a moan breaking his voice. "Fuck, Philip. This. Oh god."

Philip laughs a little, a small stuttered sound that is the most beautiful thing Lukas has ever heard in his life. He mashes their lips together, kisses Philip and tries to convey how he feels, how this feels, with his mouth, his body.

He feels it when Philip starts moving with him, small rolls of his hips that have Lukas seeing stars, and he feels it, too, when Philip moans, a soft sound that vibrates against his lips. Then another, and another. Encouraged, Lukas pulls out a little more, thrusts in a little harder, deeper, and he feels on top of the fucking world when Philip rewards him with a gasp.

"Like that?" Lukas asks, kisses the corner of Philip's mouth, his cheek.

"Yeah. Fuck, yeah, like that," Philip replies and digs his fingers into Lukas's shoulders. Lukas does his best to keep up the rhythm, to fuck Philip and draw those sweet, beautiful sounds from him over and over again.

He turns his face, presses his forehead against Philip's sweaty, tangled hair and licks over the shell of his ear, presses a kiss there. "Touch yourself," he whispers. "Please, Philip."

Philip keens, low and broken, and Lukas feels him reach between them. The position makes it a little awkward, and Lukas pulls back a little, gives Philip some space. He slows the movements of his hips, ruts into Philip almost desperately, and feels himself getting closer to the edge.

"Come for me. Please, want you to. Wanna see," Lukas pleads, all breathless and needy, and Philip bites down onto his lower lip, tosses his head back as his body arches up and he comes. He goes incredibly tight around Lukas, and Lukas's orgasm is like a wave crashing over him, burying him under it.

*

"We should never leave this bed," Philip says, twining his fingers with Lukas where their hands are resting on Lukas's chest, before yawning.

Lukas nuzzles Philip's forehead, drops a kiss to his hair. "Fine with me."

"We could just have sex all day long."

"Mmm."

Philip laughs softly, sounding happy. "I had a really shitty weekend, but I don't even care anymore," he admits. "Like. This made it all worth it."

"Can I have that in writing? Something like 'Lukas's dick is magical' would be good," Lukas teases, feeling so damn pleased with himself.

Philip hums and kisses his chest. "I don't know about magical," he teases. "But it's not just that... You kissed me outside, in public."

Lukas had almost forgotten about that, and the words send a new rush of _something_ through his body — not quite excitement, but not fear either. "Yeah, I did," he says and presses his nose into Philip's hair, closing his eyes. "Philip."

"What?" Philip asks.

Lukas doesn't even know what he wants to say. There's so much, yet his mind feels blank. Except there's one thing that pops into his head, and he tightens his arm around Philip's shoulder, his heart thudding heavily in his chest.

"I love you," he says in a whisper.

There's a moment of silence, long enough to make Lukas worry. Philip untangles his hand from Lukas's and pushes himself up onto his elbow, propped up next to Lukas's head. He's smiling, and Lukas breathes a small sigh of relief, because he looks happy. Happy and disheveled and beautiful.

"I love you, too. Idiot," Philip replies. "You thought I would I say I didn't or something, didn't you? Oh my god, Lukas."

Lukas doesn't deny it, just relaxes further into the pillow and pulls Philip down to him. "Shut up," he mumbles and then, "Fuck, I love you."

Philip laughs and meets Lukas's lips in a kiss.

Kissing Philip, Lukas pulls the covers up higher around them, holds Philip close against him. Like if he can wrap them up close enough, he can cocoon them away from the rest of the world waiting for them outside the closed door of Philip's dorm room. A world with people like Aaron, with their parents, and holidays spent apart. All the things he wishes he could shield Philip from, and himself, too. And just for tonight, he thinks he can.

Tomorrow, they'll have to get up and face their lives again. And Lukas isn't sure what awaits them this time, if the kiss outside will have made the rounds, if people will know and talk and judge. But as long as he has this, this little bubble of happiness whenever he's alone with Philip, as long as Philip is by his side when he opens the door tomorrow, Lukas thinks he's finally ready to face everyone else, too.

**the end**


End file.
